"I want to be seen as a 900 year old bog witch."

Can we talk about a current turn of phrase? That seems to be accompanying the whole "How old do I look" meme on TikTok.

(It's the one in the subject line, btw)

[So witchy, I even have professional headshots for my tarot reading business. 2023, Elise Kutt for Mod Bettie Portraits, HMU Candace Lefke]

More Auntie Lore time! When I was 16, so this would have been around 1998, I started to take an Arabic dance class (you know, "belly dancing") with my mom, and my teacher was like "hey, if you can be here an hour earlier, I'm starting chakra classes before dance class next week," and my mom and I were like "no idea what that is, but sure!"

I've been my own energy mechanic for 28 years now. And yes, my body is still crumbling! No Reiki will override any life experience contracts you made before this incarnation. And being able to re-awaken your Kundalini after a spinal cord injury takes skill, but you can't test that skill unless you have the traumatic injury... when they say magical practice will push you to your limits, they're not kidding.

Two years later, at 18 years old, I was recruited to be a tarot card reader at a local Renaissance festival. Why? Because I was young and pretty and had big tits. That's how my 26 year career as a professional tarot card reader started. Auspicious, huh? 🤣🤣

I was a Reiki Grandmaster by 22 years old in 2004. There's exactly four people in my Reiki lineage between me and Dr. Usui - my teacher, Linda Lumeria, her teacher, William Rand, Mrs. Takata, and Chujiro Hayashi. I was one of the "Indigo Children" who came to Reiki at either the second or third wave of Reiki energy, which I learned when I brought the manual diagrams (that my Grandmaster wrote) to my teacher going "but why is this so much smaller than what I'm seeing??"

Now, I've never messed up so bad in my life that I pissed off my ancestors, which means they all like me. And when I say I'm a mutt... I mean it. I am absolutely the culmination of millennia of human migration. Which means I've kept my nose so clean I've kept up respectability in cultures from multiple continents. And that means I get invited into closed religious practices as an initiate. It's my ancestral legacy, and my ancestors make sure I have teachers.

So, now I'm at the point where I have a quarter of a century's experience with pagan and magical things from all over the world. And I do credit my lifelong dedication to natural skin and hair care and consistent hydration and supplementation for my youthful appearance. But I also credit starting energy work at about the same time as my skincare routine for the youthfulness, and my re-opened and regularly maintained crown chakra for my rapidly growing hair.

Alright, back to the subject at hand - "I want to be the village witch who dispenses potions and scares people" being slang for "just let me be ugly, I don't want to keep up with your impossible beauty standards."

What y'all really mean is "I want to be ungovernable." That has nothing to do with your appearance.

And if you want to use that imagery, you really need to be aware that the stereotypical image of the green skin, large nosed, grotesque witch comes from the Salem Witch Trials, where the accused women were brought to public trial after having had their confessions beaten and starved out of them. The "green skin" is few-day-old bruising. The large nose is broken and swollen. You're adopting a stereotype that stems from severe abuse against women deemed "ungovernable."

Now, you may be thinking "no, I'm thinking of the wise crone!" No, you're not. You're thinking of Baba Yaga. I love Baba Yaga, but she's no docile grandma. You're thinking of the old witch the Wicked Queen turns into to get Snow White to eat the poison apple, and REAMS of paper have been used on dissecting that little metaphor over the centuries. You want to be terrifying. And that means being covered in wrinkles and liver spots and malice. You seem to be conveniently forgetting about the pitchforks and torches.

Also, here's the thing that really scared the villagers about the "witch." It's the eternal youthfulness. Puritans believed life is a punishment and should be hard and miserable. But here's a woman with a cheerful disposition who doesn't seem to age like her peers. She must have made a deal with the devil for eternal youth.

More personal anecdote time, about 10 years ago, I got a free drink from my waiter at the burger bar because he served me first and carded me later... when I ordered, he was very confident I was of age, but the more he interacted with me, he realized he couldn't tell my age at ALL - I could be 19, I could be 900. I was happy to produce my ID because I have never received a better compliment 🤣🤣

Y'all, if you want to age naturally and gracefully, just stick to a simple skincare routine with a SPF, and make sure you stay hydrated every day. No need to romanticize being some evil crone, just live your life with the face your ancestors gave you. And maybe don't call bad energy to yourself?