But why are you falling apart so hard at 43, Auntie?

I'm getting asked this a lot lately, so here's the deal. And TW on pretty much every physical and mental health topic out there.

tl;Dr, my genetics are such a bitch (comment where that's from if you know it!)

And MeeMaw is Neurodiversity.

My first flare happened in 2001, when I was 19 years old. It took me out of dancing and into reiki. And it involved my old hip... my left hip subluxed, and caused a severe muscle spasm in my piriformis muscle to hold it out of place (and shoot sciatic pain down into my toes). This kept happening, both hips, over and over... at first I'd have a few years before flares, then a year, then a few months... until in 2018, the flare was so bad it locked up my entire left leg for nine months. I'm pretty sure this is what ultimately killed the cartilage in my hip.

This was after a formal diagnosis of fibromyalgia, central sensitization disorder, and joint hypermobility by a doctor who specializes in fibro. It's not Ehlers Danlos or Marfan, I've been tested for both. I have not been tested for the newly discovered MTFR gene, that links hypermobility to neurodivergences, as well as a whole lot of other physical issues, many of which I and my family members on my dad's side have. Our last name means "The People of Wisdom & the Element of Air" in the Romani language, and considering the suit of Swords in the tarot, which represent wisdom/intelligence and the element of air, has been considered the most representative of neurodivergences for awhile now... I think that MTFR gene runs DEEP.

Anyway, between the structural imbalance, the regular severe muscle spasms, and the hour daily (I did recovery days once a week, chill) strength training program I had myself on after the Fibromyalgia Program where I got my formal diagnoses... Once I got to the spine surgeon, I had two fully ruptured discs in two separate spinal areas, one of which had calcified around my sciatica nerve root and caused irreversible damage... hence needing a podiatrist to manage my pedicure, lest I slice into my own nailbeds without knowing or caring.

I've needed two surgeries each on both sites, one to try to correct some of the nerve root damage (it didn't really work), and one to remove a tendon that had atrophied around my spinal cord, compressing it hard enough to soften and bruise about half the cord at the pressure point. The injury was bad enough that when it was released, it caused a severe cerebrospinal fluid leak - I mean days on my back with a full-flow IV to keep my brain from resting directly on my skull, and leaving me with chronic migraines. Spinal cord injuries don't heal. Or aren't supposed to heal, I'm still working on full energy flow, why not? I do my own energy work, for free. Physically, though, it's left me with a mild drop foot, a leg tremor, and balance issues that make me walk like a drunken sailor if I don't have a mobility aid to keep me straight, and keeps me a basically permanent fall risk. I'll be glad to be back to that being my "bad leg," it's had to cover for my left hip for a few years now. So far, cartilage & health wise, it's fine. but I hope I don't have to do this again in 5-10 years with that one. This is why we keep records!

And then, on top of that, I developed carpal tunnel syndrome in both hands at the age of 12. I finally had it repaired in my right (yes, dominant) hand at the beginning of March 2024... and exactly 3 weeks later I fell hard on it, damaging the nerve right in the sweet spot where you're just going to have a damaged nerve there. I have a cyst growing on the joint that'll need to be removed at some point, too. I still have a lot of lingering CSS-triggered pain in my right hand, but I've managed to keep it strong and functional, at least. I highly recommend kneading bread dough by hand on the regular for that. But it still limits the use of my right thumb. Not great for a professional card shuffler. Hence being a mostly retired professional card shuffler.

As for my mental health, I wasn't diagnosed with ADHD (the "u" came later) until I was 40, but I sure have had it all my life. And I was so abused for my differences by the people in my life that my fibro specialist diagnosed the abuse as the root cause of my fibromyalgia and CSS. Being raised in an end times cult, and being told the apocalypse would be starting up any day now, Praise Jesus, didn't help. So, I was one of those deeply depressed, anxious kids with OCD behaviors in the early 90's when absolutely no one wanted to subject their children to the horrors of the psychiatry of the 30's-80's that they grew up with. I didn't realize I had been living in a chronic state of panic until I started Cymbalta for my fibro symptoms in 2016. At 34 years old. Nowadays, understanding why things happened the way they did, and doing the grieving I needed for that realization to happen, and using the drugs I need, my mental health is in probably the best place it's ever been right now. Not perfect... but centered. Yes, even through all of this. Do your drugs, kids.

i took the drugs, & the drugs are working

Oh, by the way, none of this is enough to qualify for US SSI Disability. March marks six years since my first disability application, and yes I have a lawyer, a good lawyer. He's baffled. But I still need to work off my student loans, after all, I'm too young for this. Kids can get cancer and everyone's fine with that concept, but heaven forbid a 43 year old has genetic, progressive hypermobility. It might cost the government something. Which is why I have exactly a year left on Medicaid, as there's no way someone with All That can manage their health and putting in 40 hours a week for a paycheck, or even 20 hours a week of unpaid volunteer work with an official reporting 501c3 to qualify for the Medicaid I've been on for six years and just paid for my new hip. So... 2026 will be a year of preparation for how I'm going to manage my medical bills without any coverage at all or any income. Just like the pre-ACA days, except I have a lot more health issues now. Oh, and I'm privately un-insurable under the new regulations, because I'm chronically ill. That's what Medicare is for. That you need to access SSI Disability to access.

A cheat to the question I opened with, for sticking with me here!