This has been a rant of mine now for almost 30 years, so brace yourselves... The first thing you learn when you get into "alternative spirituality" is transcendental meditation. That's pretty much the bedrock of any "magical" practice - the meditative state is where you work with energy and communicate with the divine. And one of the easiest meditations to do is a past life regression, plus it's "spiffy," so a lot of people start right off with viewing snippets of lives they've lived before. Look, other meditation teachers can do what they want, but if I'm teaching meditation? We're not starting out with past life regressions. And I am happy to tell you exactly why! "Spiritual psychosis" is a fairly new term for me, but I've been watching it happen for decades, and it's that too early past life regression that tends to do it. And it's obvious why it happens, it's the people who are dissatisfied with their current life, and think that the life they saw in the regression they did was so much more interesting. Whether they saw themselves as ancient royalty, or just as a common person living a meaningful life, they become obsessed with that life as a way to not have to live their current, boring life. I saw the danger of that as a teenager, and told my spirit team that my past lives were on a need-to-know basis. When you spend a lot of time in meditation, sometimes past life memories kind of pop up. I re-affirmed for decades that I wanted as little as possible to come through. I didn't want to know about my past lives at all, because I knew I had to be myself, now. That I'm living this life right now for a reason, and I need to put all my focus on it. It's only been recently, in midlife, as I'm feeling solid in who I am right now, that I've told my spirit team that I'm okay with knowing a little bit more about my soul's past. And, you know... I kinda don't care that much. I keep getting a lot of readings recently about how "you were really important in a past life!" and I'm like "cool, dude" and that's about it. I figure, if I was someone important, that would explain my natural leadership skills, and I know I have at least one lifetime of leadership experience to tap into for my work in this life but... I don't need to know the details to do that. Knowing who you were in past lives should be a tool, having the knowledge that you have done it before successfully, and therefore can do it again in this life. Or having the knowledge of how you fucked it up in the last life, so you don't fuck it up the same way again this time. If you're doing past life regressions without this framework, and using them as an escape from this life, it's like giving a circular saw to a kid in woodworking class and not giving them the safety training - they may split some wood, sure, but they'll probably lose a hand in the process. This is also why "ego death" is such an important goal of magical practitioners. Spiritual psychosis tends to happen when people approach their true selves from a place of ego. The truth is, every human being, when they've been taught how to access their divine abilities, is powerful beyond measure. But if you're encountering that power from a place of ego, the power becomes corrupted. You need to learn how to access your magic from a place beyond ego, and that place is generally "what was I given these gifts to do in the world? How can I benefit my community and humanity as a whole?" Those are the kinds of questions you were asking yourself in those past lives you found so intriguing, because you found them so meaningful. And that takes approaching your practice from a place where your ego is not present. If you're here to be magical, you're here to serve others. And if you're given these gifts and use them from a place of ego... that's why we reincarnate, boo. You have to do it until you get it right. Basically, do you want to be Gandalf, or do you want to be Saruman? Gandalf the Grey, everyone's favorite unassuming weed grandpa wizard, had the strength and the power and the selflessness that comes from practicing from a lack of ego to sacrifice himself to the Balrog to save Middle Earth, and come back as Gandalf the White. Saruman, however, was so in his ego he was able to be drawn in by Sauron to actively try to destroy Middle Earth. Be like Gandalf. And while we're on the subject of ego death, let's get it straight that it's not convincing yourself that you're "nobody" or "a worm" or "an empty vessel" or any crap like that. If you want to transcend your ego, you need to know exactly who you are, and that means knowing, understanding, and acknowledging your full power, and also knowing, understanding, and acknowledging your limitations. It means doing your healing and your shadow work, so you are bringing your full, incorporated, authentic self to the table at all times; body, mind, and spirit. And it means understanding your power fully and thinking "I can use this to better humanity," not "I am so special." Because when you're at that level in your spiritual comprehension, you're aware of how interconnected we all are, on the energetic/soul level. When we all understand who we truly are, and then we start to come together in community, that's when real, positive change will happen.

I'm going to dive pretty deep into the woo here, brace yourselves... But first, some Auntie Lore: I was born into a prominent Seventh-Day Adventist family. If you know anything about that sect of Christianity, it's very, very focused on the Book of Revelations, including hosting a week-long deep-dive into the book and Ellen G. White's "The Great Controversy" every October called the "Revelation Seminar" (which incidentally inspired David Koresh to start the Branch Davidian compound, but that's neither here nor there...). Discussions on who is secretly the antichrist were the highlight of every childhood Sabbath dinner, and preparing for the apocalypse to start tomorrow is part of being a devout Adventist. I grew up with bug-out bags, and evacuation plans, and food co-op memberships for bulk purchases, and pantries stocked for self-sufficiency. And paranoia, anxiety, and depression. For the record, I learned last year that my family was very prominent in the Romani community back in Transylvania, and for the exact same reasons they made themselves prominent in the SDA church when my grandfather converted in the 1930's, which I think is wildly synchronistic. Also, I'm definitely keeping up the family religion, I just bypassed the past two generations and went back to the Old World for it. Sorry not sorry, Grandpa 🤣🤣 Okay, back to the actual post. You know how I said the other day I'm on alternative spirituality YouTube? To bring those who are not up on the current discussion to speed, all the buzz is on the 3D/5D split. What does that mean? Well, if we were to put it in Book of Revelations terms, it's the New Jerusalem being brought to earth by the return of the Christ. Now, obviously, Jesus Christ the historical figure is not going to magically appear on a white horse to make this happen. What is currently happening, is that the Christ Consciousness is awakening in humanity. We're realizing, as a species, that we've painted ourselves into a corner, and that we need to collectively raise our energy to fix the situation and continue on as a species. 3D/5D is shorthand for that energy raising - 3D is the "old energy" of patriarchy, and religious control, and consumption/pollution. 5D is the "new energy" of equality, and personal spiritual connection, and community collaboration. While I still have members of my extended family who hold positions of authority in the SDA church, my immediate family left when I was 13, and by 16 I was consciously maintaining my chakras on a daily basis. I'm also asexual, so I've basically kept all that refined energy to myself over the years. Now, I did this for my own health and comfort, I had no aspirations beyond calming my mind and body, and protecting myself from external attacks. But, I ended up making myself the perfect receptacle for new energy on earth at just the right point in history. Whoops. This means I put myself in the vanguard. I was on the new earth energy anchor team, and I was in the first group to move to the 5D timeline. I'm not saying this to brag. It was hard, dudes. I lost almost everything in my life to do it. Which means I am lovingly giving this advice from a place of "been there, and I've gotten to the place you want to be." If I say "you need to prepare yourself for a time of self-sufficiency, because there will be a time without electricity, internet, or commerce (since we've linked our commercial systems so deeply with our electrical grids and internet access)," and your reaction is "THIS WILL KILL PEOPLE AND COMPLETELY RUIN THE 5D TRANSITION, DOOMING US ALL TO 3D FOREVERRRRRRR!!!!" First of all, you're going to want to address that shadow that creates that fear for you. Consider this - the coal industry was just expanded in America. That's what powers your electricity. If a grid shut-down forces us to turn to what we're calling "alternative energy sources" right now, wouldn't that both save a lot of future pollution, and a lot of lives, considering coal mining is one of the deadliest occupations out there? Consider this - AI can't exist without electricity or internet. How much water are we saving with just a week's outage? How much water are we saving if we evolve both technologies without AI because of this outage? Or at least without water usage to run the AI? Consider this - without phone or internet access, people will need to rely on face-to-face interaction with their neighbors. A week or two of this will build strong community ties that transcend political tribalism even after the lights and Facebook come back on. You know how I said up there that I had to lose almost everything in my life to transition to 5D? I was only able to keep the people and things that were high enough energetically to follow me. That meant losing three careers. That meant losing so many people. That meant losing my public reputation. There are a LOT of things that cannot go into the 5D timeline. If you are afraid of losing a 3D technology or 3D way of life, you need to clear that fear before you can make it out of the 3D yourself. You need to allow the old world to be destroyed for the new world to be born. And that's going to happen on a personal and worldwide level. It takes a lot of trust that the Universe's plan is perfect, and happening exactly the way it needs to happen. Living in 5D energy also means you are a sovereign being. A sovereign being takes full responsibility for themselves - body, mind, and spirit. That means knowing how to properly care for yourself in any situation, and being prepared to do so. And that does not mean hyper-individuality! That means having a clear understanding of what your gifts and talents are - what you CAN do, and where your limits and boundaries are - what you CAN'T do. And knowing who in your circle has the opposite gifts and talents as you, so you can ask each other to help with the thing each of you can't do. This is how we build our community in 5D, knowing ourselves fully and bringing our gifts to the table. Christians call this the "Body of Christ," but I think I'd rather call it the "Voltron of Community." All of the pieces of Voltron are badass fighting robots on their own, but when they combine forces as Voltron, the bad guys are going to get one hell of an ass whooping, and they know it. So, like I said before, prepare to make the transition. Prepare for self-sufficiency for a week or two. I've written two completely free and un-monetized blog posts on how to do so now (the other one is linked earlier in the post), and I am not the only person sharing this information out there by any means, please do more research on self-sufficiency beyond just my blogs. Encourage the people around you to also make preparations, and to also encourage their people to do the same. The more people who are prepared to care for themselves no matter what happens to the old system, the easier the transition will be.

You wonder why I am the way I am? Let me tell you, using stars and planets... Sun & Mercury (retrograde) are both Gemini, 10th House. I have indeed built my career and reputation in various aspects of communication, everything from writing branded social media copy, to delivering personal messages from Spirit through one-on-one tarot card readings. I also credit this placement for how musically oriented I am, and my talent in social science. Moon is in Scorpio, 4th House. "Oh, that's why she's a goth with a penchant for witchcraft and a disturbing love of horror movies and frolicking in dangerous water and wave conditions" is the tippiest tip of the iceberg there. You have no idea how deep the secrets go no matter which branch of the family tree you shake. And you may think that putting out your whole damn natal chart would make a Scorpio Moon feel over-exposed, but as you read on, you'll probably notice I have a completely different idea of what constitutes self-overexposure than most people. Leo Ascendant. I am absolutely the quintessential "black cat girlfriend." Venus in Taurus, 9th House. Have I been a hedonist ever since Lestat explained the concept in one of Anne Rice's novels? Yep. Mars in Libra, 2nd House. Does the lingerie modeling make a lot more sense now, despite the asexuality? Yep. Auntie needs an excuse to wear ALL the pretty things, and as an areligious, asexual person in perimenopause doesn't see their body as a sexual object that needs to be covered for modesty's sake. This goes along with the Leo Ascendant, and the comfort and bravery with the physical form that goes with it, and that Neptune & Lilith in Sagittarius down there adds a whole lot of creativity and boundary-pushing to the expression of the physical form. Saturn & Pluto (both retrograde) in Libra, 3rd House. Let's just say I'm actively involved in my community, particularly in leadership roles. Have been for years now. This hasn't exactly made me everyone's favorite person. These positions would explain that, as well. Jupiter (retrograde) in Scorpio, 3rd House. See above. Uranus (retrograde) in Sagittarius, 4th House. I am, indeed, the "black sheep" of the family, pretty much every way you look at it. Neptune (retrograde) + Black Moon Lilith in Sagittarius, 5th house. Behold, the perfect recipe for AuDHD hyper-imagination and maladaptive daydreaming! As well as the source of my unblinkingly dark AF and lightning quick humor, and general sense of goofiness and childlike awe. Chiron in Taurus, 10th House. Just in case you were wondering why I'm on six major structural surgeries by the age of 43. Or why my health ruined my career. And why I'm on my third application for SSI Disability in six years after my latest denial (yes, I have a lawyer). Or why I'm allergic to so many things. North Node in Cancer, 11th House / South Node in Capricorn, 5th House. I sure did have "childhood adversity," that's why I have fibromyalgia/central sensitization syndrome. And it sure did stem from being "different." And guess who gets to heal their trauma and develop their emotional IQ out the ass while struggling to learn how to maintain healthy relationships as a result? Yeah. Yeah, that is a lot of retrogrades. They foretold my coming 🤣🤣🤣 As for Aspects... Sun Square Moon. You know, that Gemini public persona vs. that Scorpio home & family focus. I may look extroverted, but I actually recharge my battery by smoking weed in bed while watching movies with my cats. Venus Trine Mars. I am beauty fucking personified. That's sarcasm. But I am very aesthetically focused, and I mean that in the original way, and not in the "Americana coastal grandma tomato girl" way. Mercury Opposition Jupiter. What can I say, I'm a communicator. Saturn Conjunct Ascendant. So, I have that balancing, maturing Libra influence on my Leo persona... I am Mufasa.

It's 40°F outside right now!! The giant snow overhang outside of my bedroom window is obviously melting. This is pretty common weather behavior in Michigan in February. You'll get a day or three where it can even get up to 60°F, a lot of the existing snow melts off, you start to feel that little budding of spring hope... and then a bomb cyclone hits an Atlantic clipper right over your county, and dumps another three feet of snow on you. And then we rinse and repeat this process again around the same time in March. When it happens in April, you can actually trust the melt-off. But, this is useful for keeping the snow levels reasonable between obscene dumps, and prevents April flooding. You know how I said yesterday that I was going to go play around with an Irish scone recipe? And that I had a lot of prior experience with the original so that I was pretty certain I could get a good allergy-safe version going pretty quickly? First try, my family declared them the best scones I have ever made, and that I should never use any other recipe again. They said that about my cornbread, too, the first time I made that allergy safe. aka, the recipe that spawned the whole blog, one year ago exactly. Which I didn't even think about until today, because I started the blog the Tuesday after the Super Bowl last year, that's how I remember when I started it. And I started the blog because this was during a large egg shortage, that didn't touch me at all considering I'm allergic to eggs anyway. And it being the Tuesday AFTER the Super Bowl made me salty that I didn't think about sharing my egg-free cornbread recipe publicly BEFORE the big potlucking event, when I likely would have made some numbers, despite my recipe blog having a hyper-specific audience. So, when it comes to how I adapted the scones - souring oat milk with raw apple cider vinegar makes a buttermilk replacement so convincing, you'd swear this was a sour cream scone recipe. And I used pork lard instead of butter, mostly because my lard was older than my beef tallow, therefore I was prioritizing it. And since it's made with all-purpose flour, you can switch out an all-purpose gluten-free baking mix to make them gluten-free. Here's the recipe.

How long should I be doing these recovery count-outs, anyway? Final post-op appointment is the 20th, so likely to week 7... which is pretty impressive, spine all took 12 weeks for full recovery. I would have assumed it would take about that long to heal bone around a titanium implant, but this is going lickety-split. I mean, January, as January tends to do, seemed to drag on forever, but as time spent on opioids also tends to do seemed to go by in a blink. I'm honestly kind of in shock that I'm already this far into recovery. As for how my hip is actually doing, it's doing really well. I sat down a little fast yesterday, and that caused a little pain, but it was definitely my fibromyalgia going "SLOW DOWN TURBO OMG IS EVERYONE OKAY?!?!?" A little stretch, little light massage, and a little rest calmed it down pretty well. It's still a little nerve-y today, I may up my Cymbalta temporarily to calm it down more. But I'm even getting out a little! My town's American Legion starts their Lenten Fish Fry during Carnival season. Might as well, everyone's stir-crazy by this point of the winter, and it's a huge fundraiser for them... anyway, my butt was in my seat at doors for opening night this past Friday, eating all-you-can-eat fried fish, with my next-door neighbors at the next table. I also updated my recipe blog for the upcoming holidays... I've had ideas for romantic at-home Valentine's Day dinner dates up for awhile, and now I have a whole menu up of allergy safe recipes that can be made edibles for 4/20. I'm definitely going to work on a St. Patrick's Day menu, too. I originally wrote "probably," but the more I wrote this paragraph, the more I started brainstorming 🤣🤣 I know that it's not really celebrated as more than a church holiday in Ireland, pagans won't celebrate because snakes = druids (supposedly), and that it's basically just an excuse to get shitfaced in America. But it gives me an excuse and a deadline to experiment with dairy/gluten/egg/nut free soda bread and scones for the Irish and Americans of Irish descent with food allergies, and work on some healthier drinks that won't interfere with your meds like cheap green beer, Guinness or Harp, or shots of Jameson will, and will be tasty spring tumbler fillers that aren't toxic sludge like WaterTok concoctions are. Watch this happen fast, I'm one of those Americans of Irish descent who spent their teens and 20's celebrating St. Patrick's Day with the local Gaelic League, and going home to a crock pot of corned beef and cabbage (a fully American tradition, I know, but dudes, it's so cheap in the days before the holiday), and a loaf of soda bread in the Dutch oven. So, these are recipes I have a fair amount of experience with the original versions of, I should be able to de-allergy-fy them fairly easily. Okay, I'm about to get some scones going...

I announce that I'm joining a hair growth challenge, and two days later my hair starts falling out. Y'all think you're so slick? Hope you enjoy being bald, I sent that back right away, and haven't lost a hair since. I can't even grow my own hair in peace, for fuck's sake. Hey WitchTok, take note - this is the life you're choosing. Witch Wars are part of it, whether you want to get into it or not. I sure don't, but here we are. Make sure you're ready for the heat, everyone's a target. Basically, you get publicly cancelled and magically cursed at the same time. And they won't just target you, they'll hurt you by hurting your family, your pets, your job & finances, and your home/sense of security, too. It's super fun. Anyway, not a lot of blog activity this week, because I've been working on getting the 3 Witches Clothing Swaps Spring Clothing Swap on the calendar, and getting the website updated. I already have a bag of clothes to swap going, I keep finding pants that don't fit me anymore... As an aside, TW: weight loss, mammograms... I keep walking past mirrors and thinking "goddamn, I have massive tits and a tiny waist" 😅😅 Not that I'm any size 00, I'm actually more like a size 0W. But, I'm in a 38K cup in US sizes, and I'm potentially creeping down/up to a 36L. See, I had my first mammogram when I was at my heaviest weight, and I had "extremely dense breasts," which in the three subsequent mammograms got less and less dense, until my last squish, when I had no density at all. My boobs are definitely lighter than they were a few years ago. But I only lost the fat, not the tissue. Which means, they're the same size as they were a few years ago, they're just a little softer. I lost the weight specifically to prove that I need a breast reduction, but it takes literal YEARS to get into a plastic surgeon that takes Medicaid, and I likely won't have Medicaid by the time they get to my referral... so compression bras it is. I am indeed a Barbie Girl, in a Barbie World. Life is microplastic, it's fantastic. Anyway, I am definitely looking forward to swapping out my too-big pants for just-right pants. Like Goldilocks. And looping back to our original topic, if you think you want to throw anything at this clothing swap's success simply because I'm attached? I have politely asked my new giant spider demon friend to bind you.

yr Auntie here is unsurprisingly on the "alternative spirituality" side of YouTube, with the tarot readings and the current astrological happenings tracking and the daily Schumann Resonance reports. And yr Auntie is all over the comments, and can see the fear, we might as well name it, even in the spiritual community right now. I'm likening this energy to wave riding in Lake Michigan. Something I first did at six years old, and it's been one of my most favorite activities on earth ever since. The water feels like chaos and danger until you realize that the waves and the riptide all have a rhythm. They act in very dangerous, yes, but very predictable ways that you just have to know how to answer correctly, and not only will you be fine, you'll have the best fun. I'm personally utilizing this energy to the fullest, and I'm having a great time. Now, how do we answer chaotic but rhythmic earth energy? We stay ready to jump at the exact moment. How do we do that, in this metaphor? We prepare to be self-sustainable for a period of time. aka, prepping for a time with no electricity or internet. That means a time without commerce, likely only the smallest mom & pop grocery stores would be able to transition to cash only, and how many of them still exist? That means stocking your pantry with shelf-stable foods, and making sure you have a way to cook them without any electricity. This means keeping potable water in reserve (using the correct blue canisters, please!) That means keeping your car's gas tank full, and keeping a tank or two in reserve (using the correct red canisters, please!). That means stocking and charging batteries. That means figuring out how you're going to see when the sun goes down, and making sure you have everything you need for that to happen (lamp oil, matches, batteries, etc). That means figuring out how you're going to stay safely warm if it's dangerously cold during the outage. That means keeping working fire alarms, carbon monoxide alarms, and fire extinguishers on hand, as well as a stocked first aid kit. And we're refilling our prescriptions as soon as we're able, as a general rule, so we always have plenty in stock. I wrote out a guide to prepping for a snowstorm on my recipe blog as Winter Storm Fern was poised to freeze out 2/3 of the US a few weeks back, that has some more detailed advice for prepping, particularly for a cold weather event. Also, now is the time to make plans with your community. Who's going to pick up your elderly aunt and bring her back to weather the event with your family? Will your church or American Legion offer a "stone soup" community pot each night, or offer an emergency shelter? Knowing that you're prepared to take care of yourself and your family no matter what happens does a lot to help calm the fear of the unknown, and makes it easier to tackle the waves when they come, no matter how big they are. Remember, if they're too big to jump, you dive under the turmoil until the wave goes past. aka, hunker down and get to your tbr pile for a few days while the world sorts itself out. If the power's out, there's not much else you can do.

I'm to the point where I was before my hip went south in October. I can get around my house without a mobility aid, and I'm back to just a cane when I go out (unless it's to a place where I need to bring my own seat, then I use a rollator walker or a manual wheelchair, that was pre-bionica thanks to the spinal cord injury). I can even get my own socks and shoes on! This feels like a big life complication resolved, so I'm in high spirits today. I saw my new podiatrist today, and got a care plan set up there, so that's another thing I can check off the list as dealt with, which definitely adds to the light feeling. Though it's good I picked out my new eyeglasses last week while I was bored in the blizzard, I definitely couldn't read the small print on the flyers on the exam room wall... I'll have to make that appointment here soon...

The Challenge! How much hair can I grow between today, February 1, 2026, and February 1, 2027? What we're starting with! U-shaped layers from jaw to shoulder length when stretched. What we're working with! Very fine, highly porous, 3B-C curls with significant shrinkage when they're not stretched. Hair status: Virgin. Never been colored, chemically processed, or heat styled in any way. I stretch it with cornrows. The Growth Method: Internal: Approximately 1 gallon of water per day, with electrolytes (not a sponsored link) Daily supplementation of: Bovine Collagen Peptides Iron Vitamin C Omega 3-6-9 Fatty Acids Scalp: Regular, targeted cleansing with Kojic Acid Soap. Oiling and massage with a homemade, custom blended scalp oil. Length Retention: Use of an updated LCO method, with freshly cleaned, wet hair as the L iquid, a commercially manufactured leave-in conditioner as the C ream, and homemade chebe butter as the O il. The above products are then set under a steam bonnet for an hour to melt down the oils and butters so they can penetrate the hair shaft. Silk bonnets are worn to bed every night, and silk or satin barriers between my hair and the world are worn whenever possible. The Goal Length: Before surgery, my hair was growing at around 2" per month. It's all but stopped while my leg has been healing, but I expect to get back to that rate pretty quickly. If I can preserve it with the chebe, I'm hoping to be somewhere around waist length by this time next year. Now, I won't beat myself up if I don't make it there, especially considering I'm pretty obsessive about keeping the ends trimmed and even, and that can sacrifice some length. But my goals are ambitious. The Record: I'll take pictures just like the ones above on the first of the month (or as close to as possible) to track the growth, and write up a report on whatever I think is worth talking about regarding my hair that month. And you'll follow along!

TW: medical neglect I've read from a few sources that it was believed for a long time that autistic people don't feel pain, or feel it at far lower levels than neurotypical people. As a neurodivergent person with multiple chronic pain issues that have brought me to the Emergency Department on many occasions, I've experienced this personally. But it's not that my Emergency staff knew I was neurodivergent and therefore assumed I wasn't feeling pain, it was that my neurodivergent, accustomed to a certain level of daily pain response is so different than a healthy neurotypical person's that Emergency staff don't recognize me as a person in pain. It also doesn't help that I'm a cisgender (that means the outward, social expression of my gender matches my sex/genitalia), AFAB (that's "assigned female at birth") person, women's pain is traditionally downplayed even when we're incoherently screaming, so I'm basically fucked. Let's start with the infamous pain scale. It became the biggest metric of my life 10 years ago, and I very quickly had to figure out how to use it to convey my pain levels as accurately as possible. For the record, your doctor will immediately discount your pain if you report it as an "11" while displaying zero stress symptoms. Also, that's about the most neurotypical thing you can do. Here's my pain scale: my daily pain levels fluctuate between 2 and 4, and that's medicated, they'd be an easy 8 unmedicated. 5-6 is about where I was from October-hip surgery, painful but I can generally handle it myself and minimally function. 7 is where I call the doctor, 8 is where I head to Emergency. For comparison, 8 is usually compared to unmedicated childbirth. There's also a "my 10," which is not the "screaming uncontrollably and unable to communicate" that the 10 is officially reserved for, but basically your absolute limit pain, which for me rounds out to around an official 9. I would like to point out that this is the pain scale of a chronic pain patient, which is widely recognized to be completely different from that of a healthy person's scale. My "gosh, maybe I need help with this" is most people's "writhing and screaming uncontrollably." Thing is, that doesn't mean that my pain is any less stressful to my body than the writhing and screaming neurotypical's, it just means that I'm not writhing and screaming. Okay, here's the problem: at 7, I can't mask my face or voice anymore. Both go flat. I'm told at this point my complexion is absolutely corpse-like, and the stress in my voice makes me sound bitchy, and it doesn't help that I can only manage short responses. But when I'm in the ED, I can pull it together enough to answer questions thoroughly, strike one against me for actually being in the kind of pain I report. Never mind that I'm in a hypertensive emergency thanks to the pain, and the blood pressure monitor is going bonkers. Why? Yeah, I'm this kind of autistic, I sat back and figured it out one day - I'm not emotionally connected to my pain. People don't scream because of the pain itself, they scream because they're terrified of what's happening to them. Me? I apologize to my care team in advance, because I know that if I'm going to outwardly express my pain, it'll be with expletives. I'm sure you're not surprised. I have the benefit of knowing full well what's going on in my body, I've had a whole lot of imaging done. I just saw my bones yesterday, even, including the new titanium one. I know the difference between nerve pain and muscle pain, I understand where pain originates from, and I know what I can handle and what I need help with. This makes me the opposite of a "drug seeker," by the way. I take Naltrexone daily for fuck's sake, you can't even give me opioids. Another fun neurodivergent trait is that we do emergency situations really well. Sure, we're anxious, depressed messes when everything's going great, but a disaster happens? We're locked the fuck in until it's over. That's how I can muster full, detailed answers to doctor's questions during my worst pain, I'm in mind over matter mode, and the matter is my malfunctioning body that we are now focused on fixing. Or at least I am, if I can convince my doctor that the fact that I'm even there means it's serious. They're not used to patients like me, with the level of body awareness that I have, or the level of pain familiarity or neurodivergence. Why am I writing this? Hopefully it helps neurotypical ED workers understand their neurodivergent patients better, so we don't get dismissed, and get more comprehensive care. And hopefully it finds other patients like me, because this is a very lonely feeling when you're half naked on an ED gurney.

Funny story... They used Dermabond to close spine surgery 4, and it gave me the worst rash. Like, itching at an 11, it was terrible. So, I had my doctor put Dermabond on my medical allergy list. I pointed this out before surgery, and right before I went under, in the OR, the surgeon's assistant told me that they usually use Dermabond to close the incision based on where it is, and could they spot-test the Dermabond before making the decision on how to close the incision? And I told them to do whatever they needed to do, right before I went out. Now, no one tells you how they closed you up in the hospital, and for the first week you have the big foam bandage, which covers a smaller mesh bandage. I didn't inspect the mesh bandage any further than making sure that it wasn't bleeding or infected, and for some reason I assumed the Dermabond worked and I just needed the mesh removed. The mesh has just started to peel off... and revealed the stitches that have been in my leg for nearly four weeks now 😅😅 Now, I have yet another virus, lucky me. I've had nasty post-nasal drip for the past couple of days, as well as a lack of appetite, and some general wooziness. I cancelled my PT for the day, and informed my surgeon's office that I am sick, and I will be masked, and that they can head me off if they want to. Since I haven't had a fever, they want me to come in, because I need my stitches out. Glad I discovered them last night, that would have been a surprise 😅😅 I'll be back with an update, which I'm sure will be glowing! Update: Stitches are out! The incision happens to be in a spot where I have enough nerve damage that I didn't feel a thing, even as they were like "I'm so sorry, I know this is uncomfortable!" Nope, not for me. I could barely feel them tugging on the skin. And yet, it's still easier to bend that joint without the stitches in there. Of course, this is why I'm seeing my new podiatrist on Monday, because I can't tell when I'm slicing into my own nailbeds with sharp pedicure implements. But it came in handy here, so I'll take a win where I can get it. Everything's healing super well, and post-op 2 happens in a month.

TW: medical diets, food allergies. I tracked my food intake and how that breaks down nutritionally for the first time a few days ago, for a What I Eat In A Day blog post over on Auntie's Allergy-Free Eats. That used to be about the most toxic, controlling thing in the diet culture, making you account for every single thing that goes into your body every single day. Even if it wasn't on social media, it was usually shared with weight loss groups. I refused to participate until now, and that's mostly because people are doing #WIEIAD videos on TikTok where they're being... very honest. And considering I eat a very restricted diet that I have to cook from scratch, I thought that me recording this content, but in blog form with recipes and nutritional content instead of just mukbang videos, might actually help other people getting used to a new, restricted diet get ideas on how to feed themselves day to day. And I learned that I'm on a slight calorie deficit (which I knew), and getting plenty of protein and carbs, but maybe only half of the unsaturated fat (or even saturated fat) I should be getting. When you can't eat dairy or nuts, you better like eating a lot of avocados, olive oil, and seeds 😅😅 So, I've started to begin and end my day with a serving of dairy-free yogurt substitute, and 2 tablespoons of ground flax seed and a teaspoon of raw honey from my neighbor's hives. The yogurt has 6g of fat, the flax seed also has 6g of fat, and the flax seed has the dietary fiber to feed the probiotics in the yogurt and the honey. So, at least I know I'm getting 24g of fat from plant sources each day, and it'll keep my gut biome healthy. When did having a body get so ding dong complicated?