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TW: weight loss, weight gain, dieting, food addiction, exercise & injury, weight loss medication, medical trauma & grief processing. Disclaimer - this blog is un-monetized, and I have not been paid to feature any of the products I have linked here. I just really like them and actually use them myself. This whole blogging my life experience thing is making me very introspective, which means I'm making connections as to why x and y happened the way they did... And I realized over the past couple of days that I managed to lose 50+ lbs over the past year, at 43 years old (remember, we stop producing collagen at 40), and with the exception of a little bit in my inner thighs, I don't have loose skin. Update: I officially have a crepe-y FUPA! My GI issues keep me bloated enough to mask it, turns out. This doesn't surprise me, though, this is the area I've used for decades to gauge my size fluctuations, as it gave me a slight "apron belly." It's still very minor crepe-ing for the fat that area held, and I absolutely stand by everything I'm saying here. The whole rotten hip joint thing doesn't make me want to model for an updated picture (though it might happen tonight for Christmas, watch this space), but allow me to paint a picture with words on the progression of my hips... I have to take it all the way back to puberty, when I was eating the Seventh-Day Adventist diet, which is heavy in unfermented soy, dairy, eggs, and nuts... I happen to be allergic to all of those things. Which caused me some whack-a-doodle puberty hormones that earned me the "spare tire," an estrogenic fat distribution from FUPA to hip to upper buttocks, as well as a 38K cup. From my teen years to my late 30's, my hips were around 52", with a 38" waist. I've always had a very dramatic hourglass shape. Nothing I did touched this. I have been a year-round daily walker, I'd put in miles every day, it never touched my hips. In 2018, two things happened with my health - I was given the go-ahead to take The Pill continuously to skip my periods, and I added 30 minutes of daily strength training to my regular walks. The extra estrogen and the extra muscle let me lose a lot of the fat, 29" total worth of it, but I never lost my hips. Nearly 100 weighted squats every day does give you a whole lot of muscle bulk, I looked great from the back. But, I still had what everyone called "shelf hips." All that exercise came to a screeching halt with my first spine surgery in 2021. And I didn't change my diet, because I went from eating to sustain calories to eating to sustain stress and grief... the classic injured athlete's story. And this time, my blood pressure just started getting crazy high, like hypertensive crisis 24/7. Because Meloxicam, the gold standard in anti-inflammatories, can raise your blood pressure, my hypertension lost me my prescription, in October 2023... the worst month of the year for inflammation. It led me to eliminating common inflammatories from my diet, which worked so well it got me an allergist and formal allergy testing for the first time in my life at 41 years old. I also lost 30lbs very easily on the elimination diet, but when I was told I could add gluten and potatoes back in, the stress and grief eating kicked in again right about the time perimenopause did, and I put the 30lbs right back on, with another 20 for kicks. And for the first time in my life, it was the dreaded abdominal fat. So, I went to my doctor for help. Fun fact, Wegovy isn't just cleared to treat diabetes and obesity, it's also cleared to treat high blood pressure caused by either of those conditions as a comorbidity. Which meant that I got one of the earliest prescriptions in November 2024. I worked my way up to the maintenance dose. That single dose was what shut my digestive system down completely. I was throwing up food I had eaten 18 hours before. It took about 3 days for it to kick on again, and my large intestine never got there. This was after only losing 5lbs in 3 months. I noped out real hard after that, so my PCP sent me over to their office's PharmD to discuss other options... and I landed on Contrave. It works on the food addiction aspect - for me, it hands the "I'm hungry" button back to my body and its caloric and nutritional needs, and not my dopamine and it's desires. Between that halving my meal portions and eliminating my snacking, and not eating the foods I'm allergic to (and taking it easy on the bread and potatoes), I've not just dropped the 50lbs, I've dropped the shelf hips. I have 43" hips right now, and they're still shrinking. When I was strength training, they were around 45" at their smallest. This past January, they were 53". Yes, I do look like I had a BBL removed 😅😅 Okay, you're all caught up now, let's actually get down to the subject of the post. You may or may not remember when collagen was "the" skincare ingredient of 2024. The "glass skin" look is achieved with collagen masks, it's in every viral serum and moisturizer, hell, it's even in my Kojic acid soap bar. And you may or may not remember the stats on collagen, about how we start to decrease our natural production around 20, and how we basically stop producing it at all at 40. As someone who had their first joint operation at 39, this was not a comforting fact. So, I started putting collagen peptides in my coffee every morning. As well as taking 1000mg of Vitamin C , mostly because the VitronC I take for my iron doesn't quite have enough Vitamin C to prevent the gut issues, but I definitely noticed that the collagen is working a lot more effectively, too. Like, growing my hair at a rate of 2" a month effectively. And you know I'm hydrated. Water and daily electrolytes play a huge role in my health in general, skin included. So, every single day of my weight loss, I started my day (still do, of course), by drinking 24 oz of water with a double shot of electrolytes ( Benefiber got added in after I got a pelvic floor therapist in the late summer), as I brew my coffee and add 4 teaspoons of collagen peptides powder to it along with my barista-style oat milk. I also take my prescriptions (with my first meal) and supplements (with my second meal) with 24oz of water and a shot of electrolytes, so that's nine cups of water with electrolytes guaranteed every day. I've also added one more glass with Benefiber around 7pm, for my gut health. I do have some serious stretch marks on my hips, but after 30 years of putting my skin through all of that? I expect scars. I'm covered in scars. Scars and tattoos. Life happens. But, my 43 year old skin is juicy enough that it's springing right back into shape with this regimen. A surgeon wouldn't have enough of my skin to lift, on my face or anywhere (but my giant tits, and that little bit at the inside of my thighs). Not to be catty, but there are certain celebrities half my age that can't say that... So, my recommendation to my fellow Over 40 crowd - if you're looking at a significant weight loss, no matter how you do it, make sure you boost your collagen and hydration throughout the process. You will thank me later. By the way, this round of weight loss has given me the literal proportions of a Barbie doll if she were sized up to human correctly. I am that tall, my legs are that long, and my boobs actually lost all their density but gained a cup size. Me rn: lmk if you know the artist, it wasn't listed where I found the image (Pinterest, of course).

That's Bob all stretched out on the teal blanket, Milosh keeping watch at the window, and Penelope curled up by the pillow pile. This is how I woke up this morning. Tonight's the night I'm not supposed to have any animals in my freshly sanitized bedding. Look, if God didn't want me to have cats in my bed the night before surgery, He wouldn't have given me shitty joints and clingy cats.

And we're in the home stretch.... I'm waiting for a dryer load to get to the freshly clean and sanitized new panties and silk sleep bonnet in there, and once they're in my bag I am fully packed and ready to go. So, the checklist is as follows: ✅ MyChart e-check in & Pre-registration. ✅ Everything I'm wearing to and immediately after the hospital needs to be laundered and sanitized. ✅ Hospital bag is packed and ready to go. ✅ Walker is tricked out with the cup and phone holder from Kevin the Rollator, as well as a side caddy I bought for my transport/manual wheelchair but also fits this walker. The padded "biker gloves" I also got for said wheelchair use will likely come in handy as well, as the walker handles are hard plastic. ⬜ All bedding slept in the night before the hospital needs to be laundered and sanitized the day before surgery. You thought you were doing something else that day? ⬜ This is where someone needs to break it to Penelope that my bed is off-limits for the night. Still not sure how to do that 😅😅 ⬜ The Shower must be taken just before bed, with a freshly laundered net sponge and brand new bar of Safeguard soap. Hair prep for going down to the most minimal routine possible and not incurring damage and length loss happens here, too. And no, you don't get to use body washes and salt scrubs and lotions and butters and fragrances over it all. ⬜ Oh no, you use Hibiclens wipes on everything but your genitalia and face once you're scrubbed down and out of the shower. And nothing else. ⬜ No food or drink after midnight. ⬜ But I do need to drink three Ensure carb/glucose drinks on a schedule, with the last one something like three hours before my arrival time. I'll obviously read the instructions closer tomorrow 😅😅 And then, I head to the hospital, and my responsibilities as a patient are pretty much over. All the nurses and doctors take over from there. After a day before like that (and I'm not expecting to get much sleep between now and post-op), I'm grateful I just have to be physically present and compliant with simple instructions for awhile.

So... I've had the panic pukes all this past week, which means I'm eating very blandly and sparingly, and the extra brown rice I made for the meatloaf didn't get eaten. And since the family dinner tonight was very allergy-unfriendly, I decided to turn it into Sardine & Brown Rice Croquettes and freeze whatever I don't have for dinner tonight. If I have two per serving, I have seven meals worth in the freezer. I didn't talk myself out of the binder this time! And it adds plant protein! How's that for a super nutritious pantry dish? What does it taste like? A slightly fishy latke. The brown rice gives you just enough of a fried starch flavor that it hits the latke taste memory, and the onion is pretty prominent. Leave out the fish, and this would make a great nightshade, egg, and gluten free latke substitute for your Hanukkah table that's honestly easier to make than traditional latkes from scratch. Don't be surprised if that's the newest Menu on my allergy-friendly holiday meal recipe roundup series come next winter holiday season... Anyway, the croquettes are going to be great alongside the spring salad mix I'm keeping on hand, and balsamic-lemon vinaigrette I put up to go with it. For you, that recipe: 1/4 cup olive oil 1/2 cup balsamic vinegar 1/4 cup lemon juice 1/2 heaping teaspoon sea salt 1 tablespoon Italian Seasonings (add 1/4 teaspoon ground nutmeg for a more Greek flavor, if desired) Combine all ingredients in an airtight jar or bottle, and shake well to combine. Store in the refrigerator, and use within 1 month. As for the whole one day away from surgery OMG thing... to take the pressure off of Laundry Day tomorrow, I have a load in the dryer, and a load going into the washer once I change out of what I'm wearing right now. I will still be doing 3+ loads tomorrow. Wish me luck.

TW: weight loss, weight gain, fatphobia, medical neglect, medical advocacy. If you were overweight as a kid, and it just kinda got worse the older you got, and then you spent your adult life fluctuating between gaining and losing the same 20-30 pounds that didn't quite get you to the 60-100lbs you need to lose... Check your hormone balance. Get tested for food allergies. Get treated for "dopamine eating" if needed, whether you go the medication or therapy or surgery route. Manage your cortisol levels, again, however works for you. If it's not any of those, at least you've ruled them all out. But it was literally all four for me. I needed to control my hormones with medication before I could see any results from exercise. I needed to eliminate five allergens from my diet, that were causing me to hold on to a very specific weight pattern even the exercise and hormone regulation didn't touch. I have AuDHD, and have two primary dopamine hit suppliers in my life - eating, and bargain shopping. And I am fully okay with letting the world know that I need pharmaceutical intervention to help me control these impulses. I can't do it without, my entire life without Contrave is testament to that. And my brain craves that dopamine hit the most when I'm the most stressed. See: being neurodivergent, undiagnosed for 40 years, in a neurotypical world that thinks you're also neurotypical and expects you to keep up. See also: undergoing multiple major surgeries in a short period of time. See also: adjusting to a newly significantly disabled body. See also: perimenopausal abdominal fat accumulation. All things that it took 40 years, and my insistence on fucking around and finding out with my body, to get these diagnoses, figure out that's why I'm holding on to the fat, and figuring out what I need to do to finally shed the fat based on the real root causes. The fatphobic people are wrong: I needed medical testing and intervention and a customized diet and exercise and medication plan that had never been suggested or offered to me by any medical professional in my life before this - I had always just been told to eat less of the fast food I didn't eat anyway, and get more exercise than the hour per day I already got. When that's the case, your weight is absolutely not your fault, you don't have any of the tools for the job at hand. And it's certainly no "moral issue." But what is your responsibility is to be your own medical advocate, or at least to appoint yourself a trustworthy person as your medical advocate if you don't think you have the fire for it. It took putting myself on the Autoimmune Protocol and showing positive changes in my weight and pain levels to get the referral to an allergist. The hormones were a surprise, I just wanted to skip my period while I was camping. I basically had to go to my PCP with a hypothesis and my evidence for my argument, and ask for testing to confirm or deny, for every single contributing factor I could identify. It's a whole other kind of hard than the diet and exercise grind you're sold. Welcome to your Dr. House Era. But it is possible, and hopefully my list gives others a good starting point for their medical mystery solving. And hopefully your country's medical plan covers it. Not wrong.

My mom got the ancestry.com swab kit and membership on Black Friday special, and all the leaves started popping up in earnest today... So, my grandma on my mom's side was raised Cherokee. Now, this was the 1940's/1950's and while she spent every summer with her Cherokee family, and she knew full well she was Cherokee, she dgaf. She passed well enough, as far as she was concerned she was a "modern American girl" and didn't really care about her ancestry. Her brother did, but unfortunately, the oral history got real screwed up somewhere along the way. We were always told to look to the maternal side of the family to find the Cherokee family. That was absolutely incorrect, it was on the paternal side. The maternal side? The however-many great grandmother who married Cherokee was the great-great-great granddaughter of William Bradford. You know, the top pilgrim? Came over on the Mayflower? Led the settlement? That guy? Yeah, she's the great-grandchild of his eldest son and namesake. You'd think this would be preserved in the family tradition, right? Oh, she went full native. And the family is culturally Cherokee to this day. Yeah, that guy. Who recorded the Mayflower's landing as 11/11/1620 (the 11/11 portal of a 9 year). Leave it to my grandpa to hit up the numerology and angel numbers... I probably just got disowned for that one, lmao! I am CACKLING. This is the most American thing ever. Potentially even richer than my mom, the great-grand-daughter of the chief Rabbi of his city's synagogue in Lithuania, marrying the descendant of Ukrainian Cossacks and Transylvanian Romani (definitely another "only in America" kind of pairing). And then making me and my sibs. The Ancestral Realm must have been a trip these past 43 years, with all these people in the same room 🤣🤣 In other news, I got the second surgery slot! 7:30am check-in time on Monday. Whoo hoo! Long before my usual first meal, also long before the fishgirl thirst kicks in. I approve. Update: we just found an ancestress from Germany in the 1550's recorded not by name, but by description: "Enormous Lady Viking." Fuck yeah.

If you joined the Natural Hair movement 10 years or so ago when it was first getting started, you likely read Lorraine Massey's "Curly Girl: A Handbook." It was one of the first books written on the subject, and while the "Curly Girl Method" isn't quite it anymore, it started a lot of curly haired people on their journey to healthier hair, and she taught you how to do it all - including skip the salon and cut your hair at home, because if you're a curly haired person of a certain age, you remember being traumatized by the harsh hair products and uneducated hair stylists of the 80's and 90's. And my sister happened to drop out of beauty school after purchasing the full kit, so I've had a lovely pair of shears ever since. Now, I can't say I beat Brad Mondo to the technique, but I was doing his "wolf cut" technique for a good five years before he dropped his tutorial . Nowadays, I kinda blend the technique with Manes by Mell's Pigtail Cut , which is why I spontaneously cut my hair last night. I put my hair in pigtails in preparation to put the two sides in cornrows to sleep, and BOY does my hair grow unevenly 😅😅 The left side is thicker but grows slower, while the right side is thinner but grows faster. That takes a lot of upkeep to keep up with! It's only been a month since my last trim. But this means I'm pulling a Penelope here (Odysseus' wife, not my cat) - grow two inches, cut off one. I'm still making plenty of progress... but I'm definitely not being time efficient about the growth process in favor of keeping the ends obsessively even. Also, I'm not apologizing for my cheugy, aura point reducing slightly off-center part. It's to compensate for that whole hair growth uneven-ness thing. This also means I'm going to look like Mirabel a little longer. Disney owes me royalties for using my image, I swear to God.

tl;dr - no. That's me, just a few days ago. 43 years old and just past my half-birthday. No makeup, no filters or alterations of any kind, physical or digital. Selfie camera on my iPhone SE 2020. Mix of natural and LED light. Not saying I'm "beautiful," but my hair is awfully dark for being virgin, and my lines are awfully fine still. Say it with me, ladies - I DON'T OWE ANYONE "PRETTY"! "Pretty" is not my function as a human woman on this planet. I have a personal philosophy of aging with grace. I don't want Botox, or fillers, or a facelift, I just want to live in my face and put my money towards other things. This doesn't mean I'm anti-plastic surgery, I'm on the VERY LONG waiting list for a reduction mastectomy. But, I like having an expressive face. The ability to purposefully arrange my face in an appropriate expression has been an important masking ability of mine my whole life. And structurally, we're in a place in human history where we're generations upon generations into the making of each and every human being, thousands upon thousands of people throughout history contributed to this particular configuration of DNA that is me - as much as there are things (like the hypermobility, fuck) that I rather regret kept getting passed down until it landed on me, my face feels sacred in this way. That being said, in the second half of 43, I am fighting to keep my skin tight and unlined as long as I possibly can. I didn't say I wasn't vain, I said I liked being expressive, whoops. I may not owe anyone, including myself, "pretty" but I certainly owe myself properly hydrated organs and regular UV protection. While I do have the genetic [advantage?] of having that very soft, elastic neurodivergent skin, I also spent my teens and 20's following a very simple, very crunchy skincare regimen that would be absolutely appropriate for a "Gen Alpha Influencer." Nowadays, I've added in serums. But, the biggest difference I've seen is from the internal components - the hydration and nutrients. I'll break it all down below. I'll also link to the exact products I use, please know this blog is completely un-endorsed! These companies don't even know who I am beyond a customer number. External - the skincare! In order of application: Evening - Cleanse with a gentle, real soap. I have bounced between Dr. Bronner's Soap in lavender, Olive Oil Soap , African Black Soap , or a handmade soap from a local soapmaker since I was in middle school. Cleanse again with Kojic Acid Soap , which I treat as like a foaming, rinse-off serum for hyperpigmentation and gentle exfoliation. Mist with Hypochlorous Acid aka HOCL. You can pay $20 for a little bottle from Tower 28... or the same price for a gallon sold as all-purpose cleaner, like I do. I discovered hyaluronic acid serum back around 2015, and it solved the combination skin issues I was having at the time. Because of this, I've been able to wear heavier face creams without them sitting on my skin or being too heavy, since the hyaluronic acid pulls it so deeply into my skin. About a year later, the ingredient exploded in popularity, now you can find it in just about anything, but I still keep a basic hyaluronic acid serum as the base of my external skin hydration. This should be your first serum applied, because it takes everything on top of it into the skin with it. Frankly's Closer Serum . Y'all. This is a legit magic potion. I was dumb last Memorial Day and got a sunburn on my face that finally gave me at 43 the genetic pore widening my mom got at 40. Coincidentally, one of the YouTube doctors I follow put out a video talking about aging pores, and asking followers what they recommend within a week of it happening. Hundreds of people responded, and of all the single ingredients that were most recommended, this serum has all of them. It works very quickly on fine lines, and you see results on your pores in about a month. And it only takes three drops to cover your whole face - forehead, right cheek, left cheek, bring it all into the center to get your nose. Don't forget underneath and in the outer corner of your eyes. Vitamin E Oil. This is how I lost 50 lbs, and kept the skin on my face and neck tight. Again, just four drops - forehead, right cheek, left cheek, neck/throat. The Slug. This changes by season. It's winter as I write this, so I'm using cocoa butter. In summer, I usually go to vegetable glycerin, kind of like a waterproof layer to keep from sweating out all the serums, while simultaneously pulling in all the Great Lakes humidity for my skin's use. I know Vaseline, Aquaphor, and Beef Tallow are all popular for this step lately, and I would suggest against them... simply because they're just a protectant at this point, any nourishing value to your skin has been rendered out. They'll work, sure, but a plant butter like cocoa or shea or aloe would also add it's own nourishing benefits alongside being a humectant. Morning - Another spritz with HOCL, if you must. Let it dry. Apply sunscreen . I will never hear that and not think Baz Luhrmann is about to drop the beat to a commencement address. That's it. None of that will break the bank. Certainly none of it is a thousands of dollar procedure. Internal - the real self care! You may want to discuss this part with your doctor, order blood work if you need it... Daily. It only works if you make it a long term habit - Water. If you need a Brita filter, get a Brita filter. Also get a water receptacle you'll drink from reliably. Is that a Nalgene-style bottle with "at this time, water line needs to be here" decals? Is that an Owalla or Stanley? Is that a copper bottle from the yoga supply shop? Whatever you know that you'll carry around with you and drink reliably from. I really like Meoky 's bottle and tumbler line, especially their 2 in 1 lids - my 2 in 1 lid tumbler keeps carbonated drinks fully carbonated overnight, it's so airtight. And that receptacle needs to be reserved for water . Not "Watertok." Not Mormon sodas. Not sweet tea. Not iced lattes, coffee or matcha. Water. Even LaCroix isn't acceptable, my pelvic floor therapist says carbonation can mess with bladder function. You can infuse it with fruit if your brain needs a little something something. Now drink 2-3 of them a day, depending on the size of your receptacle (I went for the 50oz Meoky tumbler to be the Queen of the Karens, She Who Has The Audacity To Confront The Ultimate Manager, God Himself , in "carnival"). All of the above can still be consumed, just try to keep it to one a day, or as a treat. Electrolytes multiple times per day . I literally have no energy without my electrolyte supplement. I went through my subscription supply too quickly once, and decided to wait out the couple of weeks until my next shipment - I will never do that again. I was miserable. Collagen Peptide Supplements. If you can take a collagen complex, definitely do so, but my allergies keep me taking single collagens for specific purposes. And I put 4 teaspoons of Bovine Collagen Peptides in my coffee every morning. Not only does it make my stomach feel full for a few hours, it has my nails so healthy I don't want to paint or cover them, and is definitely contributing to the 2"/month hair growth I'm currently enjoying. And I think my daily collagen coffees during weight loss contributed a lot to my generally firm skin all over. I have stretch marks, and the inside of my thighs are a bit crepe-ey (no sense in doing anything about that until after my hip heals), but my skin otherwise fits quite well for having lost 50 lbs... twice in seven years. Vitamin C . If the above horrified you because you're animal-free, terribly sorry, but collagen comes exclusively from animals, I checked. If you can't supplement it for dietary concerns, you're going to want to make sure you're getting your vitamin c regularly, both nutritionally and as a serum in your skincare, to help your body produce its own. If you're anemic, like so many of us in peri seem to be nowadays, vitamin c will also help your body absorb iron, including reducing the iron constipation. Omega 3-6-9 . My brain wants to Get Low every single time . Anyway, this allergen-free (but not vegetarian) seed-based kind that I take also contains a lot of natural estrogenic compounds, so either enjoy the peri support! or try at your own risk! Magnesium Glycinate . Does this shut off the ADHD? No. Does it let the physical exhaustion take over a lot easier? Yes. Iron . Definitely more circumstantial, and one you'll want to check your blood work on first, but if you're exhausted all the time no matter how much sleep you get, your skin is dull and sallow, your hair is thinning and greying, and you have dark circles under your eyes... this'll probably help. Benefiber . Prebiotics to feed our gut probiotics are super important! I start my day, and I mean this, as I'm brewing my coffee, by drinking 24 oz of water with 1 serving of Benefiber and a double squirt of Buoy electrolytes. Again, nothing too crazy, financially. Certainly no weekly infusions at a private med spa. It's almost like they're selling you a marked-up brand by telling you skincare needs to be expensive...

Can we talk about a current turn of phrase? That seems to be accompanying the whole "How old do I look" meme on TikTok. (It's the one in the subject line, btw) [So witchy, I even have professional headshots for my tarot reading business. 2023, Elise Kutt for Mod Bettie Portraits, HMU Candace Lefke] More Auntie Lore time! When I was 16, so this would have been around 1998, I started to take an Arabic dance class (you know, "belly dancing") with my mom, and my teacher was like "hey, if you can be here an hour earlier, I'm starting chakra classes before dance class next week," and my mom and I were like "no idea what that is, but sure!" I've been my own energy mechanic for 28 years now. And yes, my body is still crumbling! No Reiki will override any life experience contracts you made before this incarnation. And being able to re-awaken your Kundalini after a spinal cord injury takes skill, but you can't test that skill unless you have the traumatic injury... when they say magical practice will push you to your limits, they're not kidding. Two years later, at 18 years old, I was recruited to be a tarot card reader at a local Renaissance festival. Why? Because I was young and pretty and had big tits. That's how my 26 year career as a professional tarot card reader started. Auspicious, huh? 🤣🤣 I was a Reiki Grandmaster by 22 years old in 2004. There's exactly four people in my Reiki lineage between me and Dr. Usui - my teacher, Linda Lumeria, her teacher, William Rand, Mrs. Takata, and Chujiro Hayashi. I was one of the "Indigo Children" who came to Reiki at either the second or third wave of Reiki energy, which I learned when I brought the manual diagrams (that my Grandmaster wrote) to my teacher going "but why is this so much smaller than what I'm seeing??" Now, I've never messed up so bad in my life that I pissed off my ancestors, which means they all like me. And when I say I'm a mutt... I mean it. I am absolutely the culmination of millennia of human migration. Which means I've kept my nose so clean I've kept up respectability in cultures from multiple continents. And that means I get invited into closed religious practices as an initiate. It's my ancestral legacy, and my ancestors make sure I have teachers. So, now I'm at the point where I have a quarter of a century's experience with pagan and magical things from all over the world. And I do credit my lifelong dedication to natural skin and hair care and consistent hydration and supplementation for my youthful appearance. But I also credit starting energy work at about the same time as my skincare routine for the youthfulness, and my re-opened and regularly maintained crown chakra for my rapidly growing hair. Alright, back to the subject at hand - "I want to be the village witch who dispenses potions and scares people" being slang for "just let me be ugly, I don't want to keep up with your impossible beauty standards." What y'all really mean is "I want to be ungovernable." That has nothing to do with your appearance. And if you want to use that imagery, you really need to be aware that the stereotypical image of the green skin, large nosed, grotesque witch comes from the Salem Witch Trials, where the accused women were brought to public trial after having had their confessions beaten and starved out of them. The "green skin" is few-day-old bruising. The large nose is broken and swollen. You're adopting a stereotype that stems from severe abuse against women deemed "ungovernable." Now, you may be thinking "no, I'm thinking of the wise crone!" No, you're not. You're thinking of Baba Yaga. I love Baba Yaga, but she's no docile grandma. You're thinking of the old witch the Wicked Queen turns into to get Snow White to eat the poison apple, and REAMS of paper have been used on dissecting that little metaphor over the centuries. You want to be terrifying. And that means being covered in wrinkles and liver spots and malice. You seem to be conveniently forgetting about the pitchforks and torches. Also, here's the thing that really scared the villagers about the "witch." It's the eternal youthfulness. Puritans believed life is a punishment and should be hard and miserable. But here's a woman with a cheerful disposition who doesn't seem to age like her peers. She must have made a deal with the devil for eternal youth. More personal anecdote time, about 10 years ago, I got a free drink from my waiter at the burger bar because he served me first and carded me later... when I ordered, he was very confident I was of age, but the more he interacted with me, he realized he couldn't tell my age at ALL - I could be 19, I could be 900. I was happy to produce my ID because I have never received a better compliment 🤣🤣 Y'all, if you want to age naturally and gracefully, just stick to a simple skincare routine with a SPF, and make sure you stay hydrated every day. No need to romanticize being some evil crone, just live your life with the face your ancestors gave you. And maybe don't call bad energy to yourself?

Hamish the Haggis fully experiences the nip, while Milosh can hear colors.

tbh, I figured you'd all appreciate the featured pic for this post not being an anatomical drawing of a vulva, so here's this cute lil diva in her bubble bath. If there's a word for 2025, it'd be "hygiene." All of a sudden, thanks to people talking about it openly on the internet, women especially are learning what no one bothered to teach us before. Which means we're beating the hormonal stank in ways our mothers and grandmothers didn't. But, one thing that all the hygiene influencers I've seen have in common is hair removal - they all shave their body hair. I stopped removing my body hair altogether after my last spine surgery. The spinal cord bruising makes me dizzy, and the drop foot in my right leg makes me unstable. I could sit, sure, but between showering, skincare, and haircare, personal grooming is exhausting , seated or not. If it's not essential for my health and well-being, I'm not wasting my spoons on it. Oh, and because all of that is exhausting, I'm not doing it every day... more like every 2-3 days, if I'm feeling good. Up to a week in between when it gets bad. So, I need to know how to keep up without a full shower, as well. And, we've established that I've followed a crunchified personal care regimen since I was a pre-teen, which means I'm doing this with natural, often homemade or single-ingredient products. So, let's break down hairy bit by hairy bit how to stay smelling sweet without maintaining hair removal in the process. Again, this is not a monetized blog, and these are not paid endorsements! I genuinely like and buy these products! The Soap: The base of all of this is a good antibacterial soap. I happen to be a Safeguard Bar Soap girlie. I find it gentle enough to use everywhere, everyday. Tattoo enthusiasts especially go for Dial Gold Soap . And basically everyone outside of the US will tell you to use Dettol Soap . Hibiclens comes up a lot, too, but that stuff makes me itch like fuck. I'm not too thrilled about the double wipedown in it in a couple of weeks as is. And please do not put Hibiclens in your crotch or on your face! The Genitalia: Okay, this has come up a lot lately, and it's shocking how many women don't know this. What's the point of sex ed if whole grandmothers don't know this?? The "vagina" is the inside part of the women's genitalia. The tube between the labia and the cervix. The labia is the outside part, the bits with the clitoris and all the folds and such. And then the Mons Pubis is over that, that's the hairy part. Now, apparently gynecologists have been telling their patients "the vagina is a self-cleaning oven" for years, likely in an attempt to get them to stop douching with Lysol: You thought that was an exaggeration? Problem being, because "vagina" has become slang for the female genitalia as a whole, women are hearing this and not washing their labia & Mons Pubis, for it is all "vagina" and therefore a self-cleaning oven. Ladies, please use any of the soaps named above on your vulva. If a tampon touches it while in use, don't put soap there, but otherwise, it needs soap and water. Using a washcloth for this task makes it extra effective. That goes for your butthole, too, just going to say it. Soap's got to go there, and it's got to be rinsed off properly, too. I have always insisted on having a "shower massage head" purely for the detachable shower head so I can get lots of water rinsing down there. I tried a Tushy bidet, and while it worked on me , it flushed all the fecal matter under the toilet seat, so... I find a portable bidet is better, but YMMV on that one. Baby wipes. I see influencers using Dickinson's witch hazel wipes which are wonderful but hella expensive, or wipes from small companies which look great... but baby wipes are the same thing, for half the cost. The teddy bears on rocking horses on the package do not bother me. When I was a working woman and didn't want to carry a whole package of baby wipes around with me, I bought individually wrapped wipes from Always. Nowadays, you can get wipes for just about everything and in every kind of packaging from Dollar Tree. Hypochlorous acid or HOCL - I find that when I need a little "oomph" to the wipe, I give it a couple of sprays of HOCL before using it. I will also spritz the crotch of my panties if they're starting to get ripe, the HOCL kills the bacteria making the smell. Lavender essential oil. Okay, this is a "use at your discretion" kind of tip - I always made sure to not wear it to my annual so my gyno could make sure my body's scent was normal, but I forgot one time and she said the habit was perfectly fine as long as it didn't cause any irritation. That being said, you may want to discuss it with your own gyno before trying it. Anyway, you put one drop of lavender essential oil into the crotch of your panties, neat. Do not do this if you're wearing an adhesive pad or liner in your panties, the chemical combo does not agree with the adhesive. I haven't done this as a daily habit in awhile, but I did it daily both as a student in my 20's and as an office girl in my 30's, both requiring long days seated in an office chair building up a good swamp ass. That drop of lavender meant that my panties may be moist, but they smell like a French field in summer. Cotton panties. Or hemp, if you're extra crunchy. Or mulberry silk, if you're fancy. Natural fibers, is what I'm saying here. Pass on the polyester, for the most part. I know I have those polyester fast-dri panties on my hospital list, I've always had a lot of success with that particular kind being legit fast drying. But packages of cute panties from Shein? Not for everyday wear, babe. "Period Panties" or panty liners - there are so many options here! Disposable panty liners have been the standard for years, but if disposables aren't your vibe, Lil Helper makes all kinds of reusable absorbent products, and pretty much every panty maker makes an absorbent panty nowadays. Stay hydrated. Your self-cleaning oven can't function without cleaning fluid. And urine doesn't have a lot of odor when you're properly hydrated, so if you do drip a little? It's not as crucial as when your hydration is out of balance. So, you have "chub rub"? I recommend using a "friction defense stick" like GoldBond 's before putting your favorite dusting powder over the top. But, the GOAT is to just wear cotton biker shorts as your underwear. Also, you really don't want to use that dusting powder in the crotch of your panties, there were all kinds of uterine cancer lawsuits over that in Africa and India awhile back. Stick to the HOCL and lavender oil there. Armpit & Underboob* *or any place where skin rests on skin and collects sweat Soap it all down. I usually soap both areas up before soaping up my African Net Sponge for a whole body scrub-down, those parts included. So, they get like a double hit of the antibacterial soap. If you have any places where skin rests on skin, don't forget to lift them to soap and rinse the whole area, and make sure to dry it properly. I'll talk more about that in a minute. The Three-Step Odor Eliminating Deodorant Process First layer: Raw Apple Cider Vinegar. This'll balance your skin's PH, make it a terrible place for bacteria to live. ProTip: don't put it in a spray bottle. The Mother will grow in the bits and clog it up so badly you'll have to toss the spray mechanism. Use cotton balls or pads to apply it. Second Layer: HOCL. This'll disinfect the area, leave you with a bacteria-free (or at least with far, far less bacteria than before) surface for your deodorant paste. Third layer: The Deodorant Paste. 2 parts raw coconut oil (it has to be raw, refined won't work) 1 part cornstarch, arrowroot powder, or tapioca starch 1 part baking soda 3 parts geranium essential oil 3 parts clary sage essential oil 2 parts lavender essential oil 1 part Ylang ylang essential oil Whip all ingredients together in a non-reactive bowl with a hand mixer. Store in a shallow jar with a tight lid away from direct light, and allow to sit overnight before using. To use: apply a small pea sized amount to the hairy area of the armpit, be sure to coat all hair strands and work down to the skin. The paste will melt as it warms to the body. The essential oils are technically optional. They are, however, natural hormone regulators, according to essential oil research (which is, you know... but whatever, because of my next point). They are also all delightful floral fragrances, and whenever I wear this combo I'm complimented by absolutely everyone I walk past. You can leave them out altogether, and the combo of the three base ingredients is enough to be effective odor control. Or, you can create your own fragrance combo. Just, be sure to not use any citrus oils during the summer months if you show the sun your armpits. Citrus oils make your skin more prone to sunburn and UV damage. You can't use one of the base ingredients? I recommend looking into any of the commercial "all over deodorants" with ingredients you can use that are effective for you. For me, this three step process will hold for up to 72 hours. And it can also be done from step one as a freshen-up, I might take a cotton ball of Dickinson's Micellar Cleanser to my armpit first to remove any old deodorant, but this process will take me from stress sweat to public appropriate nice and fast when I don't have spoons for a full shower, or even a partial shower. When it comes to skin on skin places like underboob, and skin folds, you will likely be happier subbing the aforementioned Friction Defense Stick - or your own blend of oils, butters, and waxes - before liberally applying your favorite dusting powder. Again, make sure the area is as dry as possible before applying these two products. The girlies are getting Eos powder and Lush powder and that's lovely, but you can easily use the cornstarch, arrowroot powder, or tapioca starch you already have in your kitchen. The girlies are also putting it in beautiful cut crystal jars, but something with a good seal is best. Go ahead and splurge on the powder puff, tho. All dusting powder is, is layering your favorite kitchen starch over cotton balls saturated in your favorite fragrances, whether that be oils or perfumes or a mix of both. The girlies are customizing their scents here. If you're using this on an area that will be skin-on-skin all day, make sure you don't use a fragrance or oil that will irritate your skin. Again, keep your jar out of direct light, and let it sit overnight before using. The Bonus Non-Hairy Spot Hygiene Tip Start scraping your tongue. It makes a huge difference in your oral health. And it's far more effective than just brushing your tongue, trust me. Don't let your tongue get hairy!