Developing a femme wardrobe, Auntie-style.
- Apr 22
- 8 min read
That semi-annual clothing swap that has me on a few US government watchlists for being "anti-American" was three days ago now, and I've been working on laundry and stain treating and mending and tailoring since.
So, I've been thinking about my wardrobe a lot, and thought I'd share how I built mine for style and function, since it is a learned skill. I learned the ropes from working the cool art museum job with a bunch of fashionistas at the same time that Pinterest debuted. And I built my wardrobe through thrifting, clothing swaps and "free markets," and shopping off-season clearance racks and with store loyalty points, because the best find for the least amount of money is my favorite ADHD dopamine hit game.
Why is this such an anti-American activity? This is actively battling overconsumption. Whether you're wearing secondhand or buying brand new, you won't buy things you can't wear when you understand your life and style. You'll know what you're actually looking for, not just what the trending aesthetics are. And you'll have what you need to wear things properly, so you'll actually want to wear them. Not to mention, you're building a mindful wardrobe, so you don't have to buy something new that you'll only wear once every time a new event comes up. This means you'll look like an it girl, keep your money in your pocket, and keep clothing out of the landfill. All things that fully disrupt the capitalist system. They need you to stay insecure and confused, and willing to spend your money about it.
So, how does one go about this wardrobe building?
Know what looks good on you. Know your skin tone and the colors that look best with it. Know your body shape, and the clothing cuts and silhouettes that balance and flatter it. And keep up with your body measurements.
Have a wardrobe of undergarments selected for their practicality, not their sexiness. If you have breasts, know your bra size, and purchase your bras for functionality with your outerwear - strapless, racer back/plunge, smooth flesh-toned, etc. For bottoms, consider whether your pants are mostly high, mid, or low-waisted, visible panty lines, solid flesh-toned vs. fun colors and patterns, inner thigh chafing, compatibility with your menstrual products, if you need any kind of functional support, etc. You can have sexy stuff too, of course, just make sure you prioritize the practical pieces.
Have a wardrobe of shoes and accessories. Both of these expand the looks you can get out of your wardrobe, and make a lot of pieces even more versatile to wear. I even keep a wardrobe of prescription glasses and sunglasses, thanks to Zenni Optical (not sponsored). And a wardrobe of canes to coordinate with my outfits.
Consider what your clothes are made of. Personally, I'm allergic to all animal materials but leather and silk - wool, angora, down, and cashmere are all no-go's for me, even in small amounts. And I have the perimenopause + spinal cord injury sweats, so whatever I wear had better be breathable and quick-drying. Because of that, my wardrobe is about 85% plant fibers, and 15% synthetic performance material (especially UPF material).
Consider where you wear your clothes.
Home. Your MuuMuus, house dresses, pajama pants, oversized tees, etc.
Athletic & outdoors wear.
Work. Even if your job is the kind of place where you can wear jeans and a t-shirt, you're not going to want to wear your favorite jeans and tees to a place where you'll just crap them out. Otherwise, uniformed workers need uniform pieces, corporate workers need a business casual wardrobe and one nice interview outfit, and executives need a few suits, preferably the kind that can be mixed-and-matched for some variety.
So you're disabled, or a stay at home parent? These would be the clothes you wear out to shopping trips, doctor's appointments, hair and nail appointments, school drop off/pick ups, volunteer shifts, board meetings... nicer than your home clothes, easy to put on and wear, usually somewhere between athleisure and business casual.
Going out. This is usually where people don't know what to do with themselves, mostly because it's a broad category that encompasses a few dress codes. Consider occasions and pieces like:
Church, a casual day date, or bridal/baby shower: this is where something like a milkmaid dress would be appropriate. Too casual for corporate, too impractical for home wear, fully out of place in the club.
Your nephew's 5th birthday party. Look, I know I'm an asexual geek, but considering the guest of honor is five, you should be dressing as the cool aunt there for a kid's birthday, not the sexy aunt there to troll for men. Try a graphic tee with a franchise the nibling would like, or wear a Ms. Frizzle dress. If the love of your life is there, they'll likely be more impressed with how good you are with kids, and how you're not afraid to be fun.
A little black dress: wardrobe staple for a reason, can go from a New Years Eve party to a funeral... just please make sure it's a modest one if you only have one, for that funeral use.
A cocktail dress with color. You will be invited to a wedding. Unless the bride specifically requests you to, you cannot wear white or black. If purchased strategically, can be paired with a blazer for that interview outfit.
The Clerb. Fun fact - you can get a whole lot of mileage out of one bodycon dress, and the right accessories. Especially when everyone is getting drunk and won't remember what you were wearing, anyway, just that you looked bangin' in it.
The major concert tour stop: a person with a developed sense of personal style and a curated wardrobe doesn't need to buy a fast fashion costume for a single evening, and then inflict the Goodwill with it the next day. Whether you're into Nashville, Outlaw, or Roots Revival, invest in a good pair of western boots and a pair of well-fitting Wranglers. Regardless of whether your mosh pit is punk or metal, if your boots aren't coming from the Army-Navy Surplus, at least get them from Doc Marten. And if you're a pop princess, I have a collection of swapped or thrifted sequined garments that keep me looking like a disco ball in any party circumstance. Music scenes birth fashion, and if you're enough of a genre fan to drop hundreds of dollars on a concert ticket, you're enough of a genre fan to want to wear the look regularly. So, buy the real thing, not a costume. Wear it to the next concert, too, look like you're about the life.
Study the art of mixing and matching. If you started with your color typing, and stuck with your colors, you've likely assembled a wardrobe in a complementary color palette with all your best neutrals and colors represented. This means you can wear everything in your closet with everything else. And since all of your tops can be worn with all of your bottoms, you can create hundreds of unique looks with the same handful of pieces. My method for doing this is very passive - I leave my closet doors open. It makes a good visual point for staring off into space to collect my thoughts, and as I do that, my eyes will start to match colors and patterns, and I'll put outfits together almost subconsciously. Nikko with The Body Type Blueprint is more active in his approach, he takes one garment and scans the rack with it to catch any color matches or pairings that jump out to the eye. I've also seen closet Lookbook apps that help with this kind of visualization and outfit building, but I haven't personally used any.
Hardcore interact with your closet regularly. I have the benefit of both a semi-annual clothing swap to constantly prepare for, as well as four distinct seasons to dress for, so my closet requires some regular shifting around. If you don't have that kind of reason to go through your clothes for a regular try-on, try to make one at least twice a year.
Follow the trends... but only for fresh inspiration on how to use what's already in your closet, or what to look for when you're swapping or shopping. Remember, trends aren't to be followed, they're to be engaged with. You're allowed, encouraged even to put your unique spin on a trend. You're also allowed to completely ignore any trend that doesn't work for you. You're also allowed to keep wearing anything that has gone off-trend, if you still love it. Just make sure you're giving new shapes and fits a try-on before making your final determination on whether it's for you or not.
A reminder that shopping is not a hobby, and consumables are not collectables. That includes throwaway fashion with one intended wear that isn't a wedding dress. You don't have to put hundreds into luxury investment pieces, but at least fill your wardrobe with durable garments that you can and plan to wear for a few years.
On modesty: I'm a middle aged asexual, as far as I'm concerned, my body is purely a source of personal expression, and nothing about it needs to be hidden because of shame. But we wear clothing first and foremost to protect the physical and energetic bodies. And that requires material coverage. Consider dressing like you're covered in tattoos you want to keep from UV exposure.
There's also respect to consider. I'm writing this about a month after Rodeo Houston (which I attended in 2015 wearing Capri pants and a sweatshirt) had to put a dress code in place, after many people showed up to a family event dressed like they're ready to go on stage at the strip joint on the outskirts of town. Now, I have nothing but respect for strippers and their athleticism, and the strippers I know would never wear their work clothes to a family event. The ability to dress correctly for the situation shows that you have emotional intelligence. I have 304 clothes, too - and I wear them to 21+ events. Otherwise, there's no such thing as "too covered up." Anyone who tries to tell you there is, is likely a man who both wants to take advantage of you for his own gratification, and who wants you vulnerable. We don't dress for them. You can look cute - sexy, even! - while still dressing appropriately for the occasion and the company if your style shows confidence in yourself.
And I can't believe this needs to be said, but the "Office Siren" aesthetic is fetishwear. It's just as inappropriate as wearing a gimp suit to the office. That is not an exaggeration, it's a direct comparison. Time and place, people.
Formal wear for non-celebrities: A few weeks ago, an up-and-coming influencer went viral for making a video talking about how she was invited to her first red carpet event since moving to LA, and how when she went to the mall to shop for the event, the only formalwear available was clearly designed for prom and quinceanera wear, not a red carpet.
That's because those are the kinds of formalwear the usual mall store sells. Because that's the mall's clientele. Zendaya is not going to the mall to find her dress for the Oscars. Hell, even bridesmaids in Bumfuck, Iowa know to go to David's Bridal or America's Bride for age-appropriate formal gowns.
If you are a grown-ass woman looking to shine at a formal event and you don't have major designers wanting to dress you, you have four options:
Thrift 'em when you find 'em, and keep them in reserve for formal event invitations.
Go to a bridal boutique and shop the bridesmaid dress selection.
Go to your local fashion school, and see if there are any students looking to do a project dress.
Go to a small designer and ask for a quote for couture, or check out their existing collections.
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