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I also have two thumbs. Not to brag or anything. Also officially in a decent amount of pain, but I'm home! Just one overnight in the hospital, and I'm home now to manage my own pain meds, hooray! Which means alarms I have to set, although thankfully the shortest dosage time is every six hours, most everything is morning and evening. And now, I move like a tortoise and rest a whole lot until March. And smoke this infused pre-roll. Ayyyy. Things my care team were impressed by: my being so young and not having had an accident to cause me to need aftermarket parts (thanks, hypermobility!), my hip flexor strength (thanks to my main PT's Ben and LeeAnn), my knowledge of safe movement and mobility aid use, my cup/phone holder on my walker (they're sold as stroller accessories, btw), and my skull tattoo (Fred the Dead Head got LOTS of compliments). I'm told Penelope was "absolutely beside herself" last night, and she spent my first hour home avoiding me because I smell wrong and have a scary thing to walk with. Now, she needs the Many Pets, and she missed a whole day and a half's worth.

Packing bags is my specialty, you guys. Anyone who travels with me will tell you I over pack, but also that I'm Boy Scout level prepared for everything up to and including the apocalypse. And that I'm ridiculously organized about it. Old pin. Though, it's extra ID for my bag (everything you bring in will get a sticker or tag linked to the MRN on your hospital bracelet, for ID purposes), it's not incorrect exactly, and I don't mind if I lose it because I could use some updated name & pronoun buttons. To start with, let's talk bags. I got this one a couple of years ago (in the pre-tariff days) from Shein for $10, and it's my favorite small bag. Most hospital packing lists specify to not use hard sided luggage, no matter the size, and to not bring large duffel bags. That strap on the top is supposed to hold a yoga/gym mat, but I like it for carrying around a warm layer like a blanket, robe, or coat in a very conveniently accessible place to get to when you get cold, and that doesn't take up any space in the bag itself. And, of course, I'm saving space using the classic neck pillow around the bag handle travel hack. Another design feature I like - four VERY generous pockets along the outer sides of the bag, to store smaller things you want to have conveniently accessible. Thank you so much, Tracy, for the eye mask, ear plugs, and fidget toy! Like my comfort/distraction items. In addition to the cervical pillow and blanket: A short story collection in physical media. This one happens to have a conversation-starting title, and a conveniently petite/slim size that fits in the pouch. A fidget toy. I'm a sensation seeker, and not always in the best way, so a "Little Ouchies" pain stim toy is the only fidget toy that's really worked for me. This one has multiple moving parts, with click and non-click options, that make it just the best for me, I love it so much. Ear plugs for sleepers (that's the round disc on the butterfly pouch), and a total blackout eye mask. Hospitals are busy places, with lots of alarms going off, and cranky fellow patients screaming expletives at their care team, and lights flashing, and tv's on, and sometimes you just need a sensory break. And for post-op, this will help with daytime sleep, especially in a full household... great for help during recovery, not so great for quiet conditions, ever. Noise cancelling headphones. This particular kind is both Bluetooth and has a jack attachment for corded connection to your media source. And last but certainly not least, I just knew it would be used the most so I wanted it to have the freshest charge, and that's where it was when the rest of the bag was packed... Thank you so much to my friend Deana for gifting me this Mp3 player! An Mp3 player! Blast from the past, huh? It's so much fun to use, the interface even looks and feels retro. Why? So my phone battery can be used for texting loved ones with updates, and checking MyChart. It may look retro, but these new Mp3 players have some very modern features, and this one is recommended for its battery life and storage capacity. It also has Mp3 music file player, FM radio, ebook reader, and alarm clock capacities, so it fills a few functions my phone battery won't need to be used for. Some of the new beds have electrical outlets for charging devices built into the patient interface, but your hospital has to have budgeted to replace their beds to get those, and you really don't know if you'll have one until you're there. Which leads us to: The Charging Pouch. Something I generally keep packed and ready to go in general, but it's been specifically charged recently for the occasion. A battery pack. This one can charge my phone from empty 6-8 times, and can generally get me through a weekend of sparse-ish use. Charging cords for every device I'm bringing. A wall plug USB converter. The corded earbuds that came with my Mp3 player, as backup. The cord jack for the aforementioned analog mode on my noise cancelling headphones. This pouch is in with the essentials: Namely my handicap parking tag (we won't be bringing the car with the disability plate), my lanyard wallet with my ID and insurance card, and (in the main part of the bag) my surgery guide, with my complete daily med list and schedule, and my complete allergy list stapled to the table of contents page for easy reference. This is one of those things they remind you repeatedly that you need to bring on surgery day. Hard to see from above, but a protip: Can you tell I've had this one for awhile? If you wear contacts, wear your eyeglasses in. And if you wear eyeglasses, bring a good case. They do have temp cases, but they're usually just like plastic baggies, so bring your own just in case. As for that pack of wipes in the fourth pocket, it's one of a few packs in an effort to keep me from getting stinky while I'm laid up... Thank you to my mom and my friend Tracy for fitting out my dopp kit! That 100 count antibacterial hand wipes is the pocket pack, and it'll live on my nightstand once I'm back home. You don't always feel great enough to stand there and wash your hands when your whole structure has just been surgically manipulated with. The Neutrogena wipes are for the greasy hospital skin... there's something about the dry air, the stuff they're pumping you full of, and the stress that makes your skin just disgusting. These micellar cloths remove everything. Meanwhile, the Summer's Eve cloths are specially formulated to be used on your genitals for cleansing and deodorizing, and can be used on your armpits and under boobs, too. And I got it to scent match the Summer's Eve all-over deodorant. Yes, I usually make my own, but I prefer to bring something commercially packaged to a hospital or airport setting. The Dr. Bronner's Castile Soap is for if they want me to shower in the hospital. I know full well the shower soap they keep on hand makes me itchy af. And this works as a scalp cleanser that isn't too harsh for my delicate hair, as well. And HOCL is the all-purpose GOAT. I use it on my face for my roseacea, my mobility aid handles as a disinfectant, my underarms as a pre-deodorant antibacterial prep, to disinfect wounds... it's the Swiss Army Knife of disinfectants. And as for my hair (and skincare): Tracy came in clutch with all of this, thank you! Ignore the whole "for kids" thing, that liquid leave-in has lots of water in the recipe, the fatty alcohols for slip that my hair adores, lots of nourishing oils that did not come from nuts or soy, and liquid beeswax to seal it all in, in one product. Perfect for temporary minimal haircare. Especially paired with a Tangle Teezer brush, for gentle detangling. This is the mini version. And as for skincare, an all-purpose, whole body (face included) gentle moisturizer is your best friend in that dry air, once you get the hospital film off. Now, I got a new dopp kit on Black Friday 50% off, and it's the best travel hygiene kit I've ever used. Note, particularly, the Poy-Sian brand camphor & eucalyptus inhaler stick. If you're in a facility with shared rooms, and if your roommate has incontinence issues... you'll thank me for having it in your kit. Everything in the preceding two pictures fits in the above kit with all those things in the pockets. Not to mention... My mom and Tracy are responsible for the dental care products, I believe about 50/50 exactly. Thank you, both!! How perfect is this side pocket? And how perfect are these individually portioned packets of toothpaste and mouthwash? The toothpaste was made specifically with unhoused and outdoor recreation situations in mind, the packaging is 100% biodegradable and made from wood pulp, it'll disintegrate quickly if it's tossed on the side of the road as litter. Unfortunately, the Listerine Cool Mint packets aren't quite so eco-friendly, but they are just as convenient, and the single-serving nature of both keeps the germs going into your mouth in a germy environment at a minimum. As for the brush and sanitary cap, both can get sprayed with HOCL before and after each use to keep them disinfected. The dopp kit has another mesh pocket on the other side, that if I weren't packing for major surgery and were packing for a girl's weekend, I'd toss a couple of tubes of mascara and lip gloss into. Okay, moving on! Thanks for the expensive, bougie AF snacks, mom! I told you I pack for the apocalypse. That means over packing the snacks. My grandma was just inpatient at this particular facility, and she says they have good coffee. We'll see. I'm prepared with the gourmet Korean instant stuff, just in case. And with a creamer I can use, I doubt they keep that on hand, no matter the coffee quality. As well as my usual brand of electrolytes, which will hopefully fast-track me to discharge. Bullion cubes are allowed while you're still on a liquid diet post-op, but all of them have soy, and most have dairy products. Dehydrated bone broth in a stick it is! Dried fruit has been a comfort treat since childhood, plus it's lots of fiber to combat the opioid constipation. And these allergen-free granola bars are a good hold you over while waiting if dietary is backed up getting a meal out. Thank you for the robe, Tracy! It's way too well packed in there to justify taking it out and repacking it for my own picture, but behold the most ingenious robe ever designed for being a surgery patient. They didn't pay me to say that. It's a very soft, light 100% cotton material with a deep dye, and slightly weighted collar so even if it's untied, it'll hang properly. This'll definitely be my spring/summer daily wear after recovery is finished. The ties are sewn to the back of the robe. This does mean you have to tie them up when you go to the toilet, or they'll definitely get peed on. But you'll also never lose the tie. The sleeves come just to the top of the elbow (on my arms, at least), for easy IV access. There are two drain pockets on each side of the robe. And they're fully attached at the top, but only attached to the robe by the corners at the bottom, so you don't look like you're smuggling grenades or something. There's also a very spacious pouch-style outer pocket sewn into the side seam on both sides. It's the hospital recommended knee-length, for the most modesty with the most uninhibited movement. Tucked in next to the robe are the trifecta of intimates: Thanks for the new socks and panties, mom! And the No-hands Slip-on Barefoot shoes! Not seen here, as I explain below. A silk sleep bonnet. I may see if they'll let me wear it under the surgical bonnet. If not, it goes on the minute the surgical bonnet comes off. New, non-cheugy crew socks. My rule with packing socks is to pack double what you think you'll need. I'm wearing a pair in, they'll give me grippy socks, so... one pair. Same rule for underpants - I'm wearing a pair in, and they'll likely put me in disposables right after surgery, so... one pair. Of hi-cuts, to avoid the anterior incision. In black, in case there's any incision leakage. I recommend not wearing any light colors into the hospital, unless you're looking for a blood and other gore stained look. I won't bother with a picture, but there's also a pouch of menstrual pads and disposable absorbent panties in the bag. And that's it! That's what I'm bringing tomorrow, along with my walker. I left my scale at my friend's place a few months ago and haven't retrieved it yet, but I'd guess the bag weight at about 10lbs. Definitely the top end of my current capacity, but I can lift it and carry it short distances. My dad will be doing all the heavy lifting tomorrow, anyway. You're probably wondering where the clothes and shoes are? You wear them in. I'm still kind of undecided as to what will be easiest to get on and off both pre and post-op, pants-wise. Once you get there, you put on a surgical gown (it has it's own temperature control system, it's wild), and they have you in a standard hospital gown before you even come out of anesthesia, and you're in that gown (and your robe and blankie) for the rest of your stay. You'll then put the clothes you wore in back on at discharge. And I can say I'm ready as I'll ever be! Well, after I take the pre-bedtime shower, and drink the drinks.

TW: weight loss, weight gain, dieting, food addiction, exercise & injury, weight loss medication, medical trauma & grief processing. Disclaimer - this blog is un-monetized, and I have not been paid to feature any of the products I have linked here. I just really like them and actually use them myself. This whole blogging my life experience thing is making me very introspective, which means I'm making connections as to why x and y happened the way they did... And I realized over the past couple of days that I managed to lose 50+ lbs over the past year, at 43 years old (remember, we stop producing collagen at 40), and with the exception of a little bit in my inner thighs, I don't have loose skin. Update: I officially have a crepe-y FUPA! My GI issues keep me bloated enough to mask it, turns out. This doesn't surprise me, though, this is the area I've used for decades to gauge my size fluctuations, as it gave me a slight "apron belly." It's still very minor crepe-ing for the fat that area held, and I absolutely stand by everything I'm saying here. The whole rotten hip joint thing doesn't make me want to model for an updated picture (though it might happen tonight for Christmas, watch this space), but allow me to paint a picture with words on the progression of my hips... I have to take it all the way back to puberty, when I was eating the Seventh-Day Adventist diet, which is heavy in unfermented soy, dairy, eggs, and nuts... I happen to be allergic to all of those things. Which caused me some whack-a-doodle puberty hormones that earned me the "spare tire," an estrogenic fat distribution from FUPA to hip to upper buttocks, as well as a 38K cup. From my teen years to my late 30's, my hips were around 52", with a 38" waist. I've always had a very dramatic hourglass shape. Nothing I did touched this. I have been a year-round daily walker, I'd put in miles every day, it never touched my hips. In 2018, two things happened with my health - I was given the go-ahead to take The Pill continuously to skip my periods, and I added 30 minutes of daily strength training to my regular walks. The extra estrogen and the extra muscle let me lose a lot of the fat, 29" total worth of it, but I never lost my hips. Nearly 100 weighted squats every day does give you a whole lot of muscle bulk, I looked great from the back. But, I still had what everyone called "shelf hips." All that exercise came to a screeching halt with my first spine surgery in 2021. And I didn't change my diet, because I went from eating to sustain calories to eating to sustain stress and grief... the classic injured athlete's story. And this time, my blood pressure just started getting crazy high, like hypertensive crisis 24/7. Because Meloxicam, the gold standard in anti-inflammatories, can raise your blood pressure, my hypertension lost me my prescription, in October 2023... the worst month of the year for inflammation. It led me to eliminating common inflammatories from my diet, which worked so well it got me an allergist and formal allergy testing for the first time in my life at 41 years old. I also lost 30lbs very easily on the elimination diet, but when I was told I could add gluten and potatoes back in, the stress and grief eating kicked in again right about the time perimenopause did, and I put the 30lbs right back on, with another 20 for kicks. And for the first time in my life, it was the dreaded abdominal fat. So, I went to my doctor for help. Fun fact, Wegovy isn't just cleared to treat diabetes and obesity, it's also cleared to treat high blood pressure caused by either of those conditions as a comorbidity. Which meant that I got one of the earliest prescriptions in November 2024. I worked my way up to the maintenance dose. That single dose was what shut my digestive system down completely. I was throwing up food I had eaten 18 hours before. It took about 3 days for it to kick on again, and my large intestine never got there. This was after only losing 5lbs in 3 months. I noped out real hard after that, so my PCP sent me over to their office's PharmD to discuss other options... and I landed on Contrave. It works on the food addiction aspect - for me, it hands the "I'm hungry" button back to my body and its caloric and nutritional needs, and not my dopamine and it's desires. Between that halving my meal portions and eliminating my snacking, and not eating the foods I'm allergic to (and taking it easy on the bread and potatoes), I've not just dropped the 50lbs, I've dropped the shelf hips. I have 43" hips right now, and they're still shrinking. When I was strength training, they were around 45" at their smallest. This past January, they were 53". Yes, I do look like I had a BBL removed 😅😅 Okay, you're all caught up now, let's actually get down to the subject of the post. You may or may not remember when collagen was "the" skincare ingredient of 2024. The "glass skin" look is achieved with collagen masks, it's in every viral serum and moisturizer, hell, it's even in my Kojic acid soap bar. And you may or may not remember the stats on collagen, about how we start to decrease our natural production around 20, and how we basically stop producing it at all at 40. As someone who had their first joint operation at 39, this was not a comforting fact. So, I started putting collagen peptides in my coffee every morning. As well as taking 1000mg of Vitamin C , mostly because the VitronC I take for my iron doesn't quite have enough Vitamin C to prevent the gut issues, but I definitely noticed that the collagen is working a lot more effectively, too. Like, growing my hair at a rate of 2" a month effectively. And you know I'm hydrated. Water and daily electrolytes play a huge role in my health in general, skin included. So, every single day of my weight loss, I started my day (still do, of course), by drinking 24 oz of water with a double shot of electrolytes ( Benefiber got added in after I got a pelvic floor therapist in the late summer), as I brew my coffee and add 4 teaspoons of collagen peptides powder to it along with my barista-style oat milk. I also take my prescriptions (with my first meal) and supplements (with my second meal) with 24oz of water and a shot of electrolytes, so that's nine cups of water with electrolytes guaranteed every day. I've also added one more glass with Benefiber around 7pm, for my gut health. I do have some serious stretch marks on my hips, but after 30 years of putting my skin through all of that? I expect scars. I'm covered in scars. Scars and tattoos. Life happens. But, my 43 year old skin is juicy enough that it's springing right back into shape with this regimen. A surgeon wouldn't have enough of my skin to lift, on my face or anywhere (but my giant tits, and that little bit at the inside of my thighs). Not to be catty, but there are certain celebrities half my age that can't say that... So, my recommendation to my fellow Over 40 crowd - if you're looking at a significant weight loss, no matter how you do it, make sure you boost your collagen and hydration throughout the process. You will thank me later. By the way, this round of weight loss has given me the literal proportions of a Barbie doll if she were sized up to human correctly. I am that tall, my legs are that long, and my boobs actually lost all their density but gained a cup size. Me rn: lmk if you know the artist, it wasn't listed where I found the image (Pinterest, of course).

That's Bob all stretched out on the teal blanket, Milosh keeping watch at the window, and Penelope curled up by the pillow pile. This is how I woke up this morning. Tonight's the night I'm not supposed to have any animals in my freshly sanitized bedding. Look, if God didn't want me to have cats in my bed the night before surgery, He wouldn't have given me shitty joints and clingy cats.

And we're in the home stretch.... I'm waiting for a dryer load to get to the freshly clean and sanitized new panties and silk sleep bonnet in there, and once they're in my bag I am fully packed and ready to go. So, the checklist is as follows: ✅ MyChart e-check in & Pre-registration. ✅ Everything I'm wearing to and immediately after the hospital needs to be laundered and sanitized. ✅ Hospital bag is packed and ready to go. ✅ Walker is tricked out with the cup and phone holder from Kevin the Rollator, as well as a side caddy I bought for my transport/manual wheelchair but also fits this walker. The padded "biker gloves" I also got for said wheelchair use will likely come in handy as well, as the walker handles are hard plastic. ⬜ All bedding slept in the night before the hospital needs to be laundered and sanitized the day before surgery. You thought you were doing something else that day? ⬜ This is where someone needs to break it to Penelope that my bed is off-limits for the night. Still not sure how to do that 😅😅 ⬜ The Shower must be taken just before bed, with a freshly laundered net sponge and brand new bar of Safeguard soap. Hair prep for going down to the most minimal routine possible and not incurring damage and length loss happens here, too. And no, you don't get to use body washes and salt scrubs and lotions and butters and fragrances over it all. ⬜ Oh no, you use Hibiclens wipes on everything but your genitalia and face once you're scrubbed down and out of the shower. And nothing else. ⬜ No food or drink after midnight. ⬜ But I do need to drink three Ensure carb/glucose drinks on a schedule, with the last one something like three hours before my arrival time. I'll obviously read the instructions closer tomorrow 😅😅 And then, I head to the hospital, and my responsibilities as a patient are pretty much over. All the nurses and doctors take over from there. After a day before like that (and I'm not expecting to get much sleep between now and post-op), I'm grateful I just have to be physically present and compliant with simple instructions for awhile.

So... I've had the panic pukes all this past week, which means I'm eating very blandly and sparingly, and the extra brown rice I made for the meatloaf didn't get eaten. And since the family dinner tonight was very allergy-unfriendly, I decided to turn it into Sardine & Brown Rice Croquettes and freeze whatever I don't have for dinner tonight. If I have two per serving, I have seven meals worth in the freezer. I didn't talk myself out of the binder this time! And it adds plant protein! How's that for a super nutritious pantry dish? What does it taste like? A slightly fishy latke. The brown rice gives you just enough of a fried starch flavor that it hits the latke taste memory, and the onion is pretty prominent. Leave out the fish, and this would make a great nightshade, egg, and gluten free latke substitute for your Hanukkah table that's honestly easier to make than traditional latkes from scratch. Don't be surprised if that's the newest Menu on my allergy-friendly holiday meal recipe roundup series come next winter holiday season... Anyway, the croquettes are going to be great alongside the spring salad mix I'm keeping on hand, and balsamic-lemon vinaigrette I put up to go with it. For you, that recipe: 1/4 cup olive oil 1/2 cup balsamic vinegar 1/4 cup lemon juice 1/2 heaping teaspoon sea salt 1 tablespoon Italian Seasonings (add 1/4 teaspoon ground nutmeg for a more Greek flavor, if desired) Combine all ingredients in an airtight jar or bottle, and shake well to combine. Store in the refrigerator, and use within 1 month. As for the whole one day away from surgery OMG thing... to take the pressure off of Laundry Day tomorrow, I have a load in the dryer, and a load going into the washer once I change out of what I'm wearing right now. I will still be doing 3+ loads tomorrow. Wish me luck.

TW: weight loss, weight gain, fatphobia, medical neglect, medical advocacy. If you were overweight as a kid, and it just kinda got worse the older you got, and then you spent your adult life fluctuating between gaining and losing the same 20-30 pounds that didn't quite get you to the 60-100lbs you need to lose... Check your hormone balance. Get tested for food allergies. Get treated for "dopamine eating" if needed, whether you go the medication or therapy or surgery route. Manage your cortisol levels, again, however works for you. If it's not any of those, at least you've ruled them all out. But it was literally all four for me. I needed to control my hormones with medication before I could see any results from exercise. I needed to eliminate five allergens from my diet, that were causing me to hold on to a very specific weight pattern even the exercise and hormone regulation didn't touch. I have AuDHD, and have two primary dopamine hit suppliers in my life - eating, and bargain shopping. And I am fully okay with letting the world know that I need pharmaceutical intervention to help me control these impulses. I can't do it without, my entire life without Contrave is testament to that. And my brain craves that dopamine hit the most when I'm the most stressed. See: being neurodivergent, undiagnosed for 40 years, in a neurotypical world that thinks you're also neurotypical and expects you to keep up. See also: undergoing multiple major surgeries in a short period of time. See also: adjusting to a newly significantly disabled body. See also: perimenopausal abdominal fat accumulation. All things that it took 40 years, and my insistence on fucking around and finding out with my body, to get these diagnoses, figure out that's why I'm holding on to the fat, and figuring out what I need to do to finally shed the fat based on the real root causes. The fatphobic people are wrong: I needed medical testing and intervention and a customized diet and exercise and medication plan that had never been suggested or offered to me by any medical professional in my life before this - I had always just been told to eat less of the fast food I didn't eat anyway, and get more exercise than the hour per day I already got. When that's the case, your weight is absolutely not your fault, you don't have any of the tools for the job at hand. And it's certainly no "moral issue." But what is your responsibility is to be your own medical advocate, or at least to appoint yourself a trustworthy person as your medical advocate if you don't think you have the fire for it. It took putting myself on the Autoimmune Protocol and showing positive changes in my weight and pain levels to get the referral to an allergist. The hormones were a surprise, I just wanted to skip my period while I was camping. I basically had to go to my PCP with a hypothesis and my evidence for my argument, and ask for testing to confirm or deny, for every single contributing factor I could identify. It's a whole other kind of hard than the diet and exercise grind you're sold. Welcome to your Dr. House Era. But it is possible, and hopefully my list gives others a good starting point for their medical mystery solving. And hopefully your country's medical plan covers it. Not wrong.

My mom got the ancestry.com swab kit and membership on Black Friday special, and all the leaves started popping up in earnest today... So, my grandma on my mom's side was raised Cherokee. Now, this was the 1940's/1950's and while she spent every summer with her Cherokee family, and she knew full well she was Cherokee, she dgaf. She passed well enough, as far as she was concerned she was a "modern American girl" and didn't really care about her ancestry. Her brother did, but unfortunately, the oral history got real screwed up somewhere along the way. We were always told to look to the maternal side of the family to find the Cherokee family. That was absolutely incorrect, it was on the paternal side. The maternal side? The however-many great grandmother who married Cherokee was the great-great-great granddaughter of William Bradford. You know, the top pilgrim? Came over on the Mayflower? Led the settlement? That guy? Yeah, she's the great-grandchild of his eldest son and namesake. You'd think this would be preserved in the family tradition, right? Oh, she went full native. And the family is culturally Cherokee to this day. Yeah, that guy. Who recorded the Mayflower's landing as 11/11/1620 (the 11/11 portal of a 9 year). Leave it to my grandpa to hit up the numerology and angel numbers... I probably just got disowned for that one, lmao! I am CACKLING. This is the most American thing ever. Potentially even richer than my mom, the great-grand-daughter of the chief Rabbi of his city's synagogue in Lithuania, marrying the descendant of Ukrainian Cossacks and Transylvanian Romani (definitely another "only in America" kind of pairing). And then making me and my sibs. The Ancestral Realm must have been a trip these past 43 years, with all these people in the same room 🤣🤣 In other news, I got the second surgery slot! 7:30am check-in time on Monday. Whoo hoo! Long before my usual first meal, also long before the fishgirl thirst kicks in. I approve. Update: we just found an ancestress from Germany in the 1550's recorded not by name, but by description: "Enormous Lady Viking." Fuck yeah.

If you joined the Natural Hair movement 10 years or so ago when it was first getting started, you likely read Lorraine Massey's "Curly Girl: A Handbook." It was one of the first books written on the subject, and while the "Curly Girl Method" isn't quite it anymore, it started a lot of curly haired people on their journey to healthier hair, and she taught you how to do it all - including skip the salon and cut your hair at home, because if you're a curly haired person of a certain age, you remember being traumatized by the harsh hair products and uneducated hair stylists of the 80's and 90's. And my sister happened to drop out of beauty school after purchasing the full kit, so I've had a lovely pair of shears ever since. Now, I can't say I beat Brad Mondo to the technique, but I was doing his "wolf cut" technique for a good five years before he dropped his tutorial . Nowadays, I kinda blend the technique with Manes by Mell's Pigtail Cut , which is why I spontaneously cut my hair last night. I put my hair in pigtails in preparation to put the two sides in cornrows to sleep, and BOY does my hair grow unevenly 😅😅 The left side is thicker but grows slower, while the right side is thinner but grows faster. That takes a lot of upkeep to keep up with! It's only been a month since my last trim. But this means I'm pulling a Penelope here (Odysseus' wife, not my cat) - grow two inches, cut off one. I'm still making plenty of progress... but I'm definitely not being time efficient about the growth process in favor of keeping the ends obsessively even. Also, I'm not apologizing for my cheugy, aura point reducing slightly off-center part. It's to compensate for that whole hair growth uneven-ness thing. This also means I'm going to look like Mirabel a little longer. Disney owes me royalties for using my image, I swear to God.

tl;dr - no. That's me, just a few days ago. 43 years old and just past my half-birthday. No makeup, no filters or alterations of any kind, physical or digital. Selfie camera on my iPhone SE 2020. Mix of natural and LED light. Not saying I'm "beautiful," but my hair is awfully dark for being virgin, and my lines are awfully fine still. Say it with me, ladies - I DON'T OWE ANYONE "PRETTY"! "Pretty" is not my function as a human woman on this planet. I have a personal philosophy of aging with grace. I don't want Botox, or fillers, or a facelift, I just want to live in my face and put my money towards other things. This doesn't mean I'm anti-plastic surgery, I'm on the VERY LONG waiting list for a reduction mastectomy. But, I like having an expressive face. The ability to purposefully arrange my face in an appropriate expression has been an important masking ability of mine my whole life. And structurally, we're in a place in human history where we're generations upon generations into the making of each and every human being, thousands upon thousands of people throughout history contributed to this particular configuration of DNA that is me - as much as there are things (like the hypermobility, fuck) that I rather regret kept getting passed down until it landed on me, my face feels sacred in this way. That being said, in the second half of 43, I am fighting to keep my skin tight and unlined as long as I possibly can. I didn't say I wasn't vain, I said I liked being expressive, whoops. I may not owe anyone, including myself, "pretty" but I certainly owe myself properly hydrated organs and regular UV protection. While I do have the genetic [advantage?] of having that very soft, elastic neurodivergent skin, I also spent my teens and 20's following a very simple, very crunchy skincare regimen that would be absolutely appropriate for a "Gen Alpha Influencer." Nowadays, I've added in serums. But, the biggest difference I've seen is from the internal components - the hydration and nutrients. I'll break it all down below. I'll also link to the exact products I use, please know this blog is completely un-endorsed! These companies don't even know who I am beyond a customer number. External - the skincare! In order of application: Evening - Cleanse with a gentle, real soap. I have bounced between Dr. Bronner's Soap in lavender, Olive Oil Soap , African Black Soap , or a handmade soap from a local soapmaker since I was in middle school. Cleanse again with Kojic Acid Soap , which I treat as like a foaming, rinse-off serum for hyperpigmentation and gentle exfoliation. Mist with Hypochlorous Acid aka HOCL. You can pay $20 for a little bottle from Tower 28... or the same price for a gallon sold as all-purpose cleaner, like I do. I discovered hyaluronic acid serum back around 2015, and it solved the combination skin issues I was having at the time. Because of this, I've been able to wear heavier face creams without them sitting on my skin or being too heavy, since the hyaluronic acid pulls it so deeply into my skin. About a year later, the ingredient exploded in popularity, now you can find it in just about anything, but I still keep a basic hyaluronic acid serum as the base of my external skin hydration. This should be your first serum applied, because it takes everything on top of it into the skin with it. Frankly's Closer Serum . Y'all. This is a legit magic potion. I was dumb last Memorial Day and got a sunburn on my face that finally gave me at 43 the genetic pore widening my mom got at 40. Coincidentally, one of the YouTube doctors I follow put out a video talking about aging pores, and asking followers what they recommend within a week of it happening. Hundreds of people responded, and of all the single ingredients that were most recommended, this serum has all of them. It works very quickly on fine lines, and you see results on your pores in about a month. And it only takes three drops to cover your whole face - forehead, right cheek, left cheek, bring it all into the center to get your nose. Don't forget underneath and in the outer corner of your eyes. Vitamin E Oil. This is how I lost 50 lbs, and kept the skin on my face and neck tight. Again, just four drops - forehead, right cheek, left cheek, neck/throat. The Slug. This changes by season. It's winter as I write this, so I'm using cocoa butter. In summer, I usually go to vegetable glycerin, kind of like a waterproof layer to keep from sweating out all the serums, while simultaneously pulling in all the Great Lakes humidity for my skin's use. I know Vaseline, Aquaphor, and Beef Tallow are all popular for this step lately, and I would suggest against them... simply because they're just a protectant at this point, any nourishing value to your skin has been rendered out. They'll work, sure, but a plant butter like cocoa or shea or aloe would also add it's own nourishing benefits alongside being a humectant. Morning - Another spritz with HOCL, if you must. Let it dry. Apply sunscreen . I will never hear that and not think Baz Luhrmann is about to drop the beat to a commencement address. That's it. None of that will break the bank. Certainly none of it is a thousands of dollar procedure. Internal - the real self care! You may want to discuss this part with your doctor, order blood work if you need it... Daily. It only works if you make it a long term habit - Water. If you need a Brita filter, get a Brita filter. Also get a water receptacle you'll drink from reliably. Is that a Nalgene-style bottle with "at this time, water line needs to be here" decals? Is that an Owalla or Stanley? Is that a copper bottle from the yoga supply shop? Whatever you know that you'll carry around with you and drink reliably from. I really like Meoky 's bottle and tumbler line, especially their 2 in 1 lids - my 2 in 1 lid tumbler keeps carbonated drinks fully carbonated overnight, it's so airtight. And that receptacle needs to be reserved for water . Not "Watertok." Not Mormon sodas. Not sweet tea. Not iced lattes, coffee or matcha. Water. Even LaCroix isn't acceptable, my pelvic floor therapist says carbonation can mess with bladder function. You can infuse it with fruit if your brain needs a little something something. Now drink 2-3 of them a day, depending on the size of your receptacle (I went for the 50oz Meoky tumbler to be the Queen of the Karens, She Who Has The Audacity To Confront The Ultimate Manager, God Himself , in "carnival"). All of the above can still be consumed, just try to keep it to one a day, or as a treat. Electrolytes multiple times per day . I literally have no energy without my electrolyte supplement. I went through my subscription supply too quickly once, and decided to wait out the couple of weeks until my next shipment - I will never do that again. I was miserable. Collagen Peptide Supplements. If you can take a collagen complex, definitely do so, but my allergies keep me taking single collagens for specific purposes. And I put 4 teaspoons of Bovine Collagen Peptides in my coffee every morning. Not only does it make my stomach feel full for a few hours, it has my nails so healthy I don't want to paint or cover them, and is definitely contributing to the 2"/month hair growth I'm currently enjoying. And I think my daily collagen coffees during weight loss contributed a lot to my generally firm skin all over. I have stretch marks, and the inside of my thighs are a bit crepe-ey (no sense in doing anything about that until after my hip heals), but my skin otherwise fits quite well for having lost 50 lbs... twice in seven years. Vitamin C . If the above horrified you because you're animal-free, terribly sorry, but collagen comes exclusively from animals, I checked. If you can't supplement it for dietary concerns, you're going to want to make sure you're getting your vitamin c regularly, both nutritionally and as a serum in your skincare, to help your body produce its own. If you're anemic, like so many of us in peri seem to be nowadays, vitamin c will also help your body absorb iron, including reducing the iron constipation. Omega 3-6-9 . My brain wants to Get Low every single time . Anyway, this allergen-free (but not vegetarian) seed-based kind that I take also contains a lot of natural estrogenic compounds, so either enjoy the peri support! or try at your own risk! Magnesium Glycinate . Does this shut off the ADHD? No. Does it let the physical exhaustion take over a lot easier? Yes. Iron . Definitely more circumstantial, and one you'll want to check your blood work on first, but if you're exhausted all the time no matter how much sleep you get, your skin is dull and sallow, your hair is thinning and greying, and you have dark circles under your eyes... this'll probably help. Benefiber . Prebiotics to feed our gut probiotics are super important! I start my day, and I mean this, as I'm brewing my coffee, by drinking 24 oz of water with 1 serving of Benefiber and a double squirt of Buoy electrolytes. Again, nothing too crazy, financially. Certainly no weekly infusions at a private med spa. It's almost like they're selling you a marked-up brand by telling you skincare needs to be expensive...

Can we talk about a current turn of phrase? That seems to be accompanying the whole "How old do I look" meme on TikTok. (It's the one in the subject line, btw) [So witchy, I even have professional headshots for my tarot reading business. 2023, Elise Kutt for Mod Bettie Portraits, HMU Candace Lefke] More Auntie Lore time! When I was 16, so this would have been around 1998, I started to take an Arabic dance class (you know, "belly dancing") with my mom, and my teacher was like "hey, if you can be here an hour earlier, I'm starting chakra classes before dance class next week," and my mom and I were like "no idea what that is, but sure!" I've been my own energy mechanic for 28 years now. And yes, my body is still crumbling! No Reiki will override any life experience contracts you made before this incarnation. And being able to re-awaken your Kundalini after a spinal cord injury takes skill, but you can't test that skill unless you have the traumatic injury... when they say magical practice will push you to your limits, they're not kidding. Two years later, at 18 years old, I was recruited to be a tarot card reader at a local Renaissance festival. Why? Because I was young and pretty and had big tits. That's how my 26 year career as a professional tarot card reader started. Auspicious, huh? 🤣🤣 I was a Reiki Grandmaster by 22 years old in 2004. There's exactly four people in my Reiki lineage between me and Dr. Usui - my teacher, Linda Lumeria, her teacher, William Rand, Mrs. Takata, and Chujiro Hayashi. I was one of the "Indigo Children" who came to Reiki at either the second or third wave of Reiki energy, which I learned when I brought the manual diagrams (that my Grandmaster wrote) to my teacher going "but why is this so much smaller than what I'm seeing??" Now, I've never messed up so bad in my life that I pissed off my ancestors, which means they all like me. And when I say I'm a mutt... I mean it. I am absolutely the culmination of millennia of human migration. Which means I've kept my nose so clean I've kept up respectability in cultures from multiple continents. And that means I get invited into closed religious practices as an initiate. It's my ancestral legacy, and my ancestors make sure I have teachers. So, now I'm at the point where I have a quarter of a century's experience with pagan and magical things from all over the world. And I do credit my lifelong dedication to natural skin and hair care and consistent hydration and supplementation for my youthful appearance. But I also credit starting energy work at about the same time as my skincare routine for the youthfulness, and my re-opened and regularly maintained crown chakra for my rapidly growing hair. Alright, back to the subject at hand - "I want to be the village witch who dispenses potions and scares people" being slang for "just let me be ugly, I don't want to keep up with your impossible beauty standards." What y'all really mean is "I want to be ungovernable." That has nothing to do with your appearance. And if you want to use that imagery, you really need to be aware that the stereotypical image of the green skin, large nosed, grotesque witch comes from the Salem Witch Trials, where the accused women were brought to public trial after having had their confessions beaten and starved out of them. The "green skin" is few-day-old bruising. The large nose is broken and swollen. You're adopting a stereotype that stems from severe abuse against women deemed "ungovernable." Now, you may be thinking "no, I'm thinking of the wise crone!" No, you're not. You're thinking of Baba Yaga. I love Baba Yaga, but she's no docile grandma. You're thinking of the old witch the Wicked Queen turns into to get Snow White to eat the poison apple, and REAMS of paper have been used on dissecting that little metaphor over the centuries. You want to be terrifying. And that means being covered in wrinkles and liver spots and malice. You seem to be conveniently forgetting about the pitchforks and torches. Also, here's the thing that really scared the villagers about the "witch." It's the eternal youthfulness. Puritans believed life is a punishment and should be hard and miserable. But here's a woman with a cheerful disposition who doesn't seem to age like her peers. She must have made a deal with the devil for eternal youth. More personal anecdote time, about 10 years ago, I got a free drink from my waiter at the burger bar because he served me first and carded me later... when I ordered, he was very confident I was of age, but the more he interacted with me, he realized he couldn't tell my age at ALL - I could be 19, I could be 900. I was happy to produce my ID because I have never received a better compliment 🤣🤣 Y'all, if you want to age naturally and gracefully, just stick to a simple skincare routine with a SPF, and make sure you stay hydrated every day. No need to romanticize being some evil crone, just live your life with the face your ancestors gave you. And maybe don't call bad energy to yourself?